School is finally starting again in 2 days, wow did this summer go by fast! It seems like I spent a fraction of time doing "whatever" as I did last summer. I remember last summer actually looking for ways to occupy my time, not this summer. There was maybe a 2 solid week time frame where I didn't really have anything going on, and the rest of the time was spent doing things (granted they were still things I wanted to be doing rather than feeling like they HAD to be done).
I moved into my new classroom and got all set up again, totally weird. This school is SO much different than Tres was, everyone is relaxed and no one gets on anyones back about anything. It's really weird to go from Tres where everyone and everything was SO up tight to be in a setting of just total relaxation. It's a nice change for sure, but I almost feel like something is missing, like I'm looking around corners all the time waiting for someone to step in and tell me I can't do that, or there is some kind of procedure that needs to be followed. I really do look forward to this year though and all the new experiences. We had meed the teacher night the other night and I met some of my kiddos. They're so small! I used to kids coming to me being 3rd graders. Not tiny little 2nd graders that actually look like 1st graders! I think I'll like being down here in 2nd though because I did my student teaching in kindergarten and I LOVED that, so I do definitely have a fondness for the little ones.
It's odd, Mike and I had an argument the other night, I hate to admit that but what couples don't fight ya know? Well in our argument it started about him wanting to go over to a friends house and play drums, which normally fine whatever I wouldn't care but this particular week I did because I had a lot going on and wasn't going to spend much time with him. So he ended up staying home but was irritated at me for asking him to stay. Anyway in our argument we talked about the AF again, here we go! I told him the truth about how I feel about it, which is...I don't want to join. God, it sounds so selfish to me to hear myself even say it now. It's like I know he wants this so badly and so I want it for the sake of him. For the sake of doing something because I know how much it means to him, I just can't shake the feeling like I would be leaving so much behind. I know this might not make sense to everyone but it's the truth about how I feel. Someone else's opinion I'm sure differs from my own but to me that's it. I feel like I would resent him in a way. I would be stuck at home in a town where I don't know anyone while he's gone all day at work. I would be left alone to raise our children while he's gone chasing his dreams. I wouldn't know anyone worth really making relationships with, only people to pass the time. And I would miss my family, and my home which would turn into resentment towards him for "making" us leave when I knew I didn't want to go. I like the idea of staying in one school for a long time and really making my classroom mine, not feeling like a revolving door where I moved in just as quickly as I moved out. A life in the military would give me only that, nice places to visit but would never really feel like home. Or if they did, as soon as the feeling came we would leave again. I would never teacher the same grade level for longer than a few years and have to move around again. That's not what I want...I want to be some place where I feel it's like a second home, all the kids and staff know me and I have everything I need ready and at my finger tips.
Selfish or not, I feel like the military would not be the life for me. I don't think I'd be happy. And I know by staying here I'm making the choice to continue working even after we have kids. If we joined and didn't have this house payment it would be a quick fix to be able to stay home and raise my family without worrying about childcare or income; but at what expense? And I see so many others I work with have young children and still work. I look at them and wonder now how they manage with a small child at home. I think gosh in order to get the kid up and moving in the morning that's probably another 30 extra minutes on top of however long it takes me to get ready, not counting extra time if I have to take them any where for dare care during the day. Then leaving school at a decent hour to make sure I have enough time pick the kid up, come home, get dinner done, and cleaned up, and finally spending some time with my kid after a long days work. How in the heck do these mom's do it? Maybe if they worked part time and only went in for a few hours a day, but where in the heck am I going to find a job that pays decent enough to do that and justify really being gone? I can't imagine doing both, but so many others I see do. I wish I could just really see what each life would look like before I decide on it. Ya know like test driving a car? Just for a week have a baby living the life we do now and see what the level of stress would be like...I imagine pretty great. But then again, "test drive" the life of a military spouse and see what it would really feel like to be 1000+ miles away from friends or family with a little baby and trying to find things to keep me busy or feel accomplished at the end of the day. Cause that would be awful, feeling like I've spent the whole day chasing around some kid, and I've lost almost all of the things that made me, me! I need to feel accomplished and like I've succeeded and made a difference at the end of the day, proud and almost sufficient. I can't just sit around and do nothing, I need something to be proud of and not only proud of like a child, but I need to be fulfilled for my own needs. I wonder if the AF would feel like that, or if it would be like wanting to go home and back to the familiar.
Someone want to trade lives for a week? I would like a test run before making a commitment to either.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Talk is cheap
Talking, talking, and more talking is all Mike and I have been doing recently about the Air Force. Even since Talmage and Tana came back from being gone with his boot camp, and Tech school this has been the topic of conversation. We've even gone as far as to meet with a recruiter last week to do more TALKING on the subject. There are always two sides to every coin though. And talk is cheap, it costs nothing to do and nothing really happens while you're talking about it. "You have to just jump in", or so I've heard. Why is this such a hard decision you ask? Well, aside from having this be a TOTALLY different life style than what I'm accustomed to there are complications.
#1) We own a house! A very beautiful and expensive house in my opinion. We bought this house about a year and a half ago and at the time, we never had a talk about the AF or any branch of service for that matter. I went into this thinking, "this will be the place we start a family". And I still have a hard time letting go of that dream. I love this house, I love everything about this house. I choose it, I designed it, I painted it, and I've decorated it and I've never been so proud of something that I have done and I feel represents me so well. In addition this is OUR house, we own it, WE pay for it, WE decide everything about it-no one tells me how it needs to be kept, or what my limitations are with it, I decide. On top of that I'm not ready to leave it, again as I said before when I bought this house I bought it with the expectations of starting my family here. I've pictured myself numerous times going through all the motions of painting the room-which I knew the minute I walked in here which room would be baby's. I've envisioned myself being in that room, or coming home to this house with the new baby; I've actually pictured what my life would look like living here with the start of my family and I'm in love with those ideas. I've been in love with those ideas from the first time I stepped foot in this house.
Despite how emotionally attached I am to this house, let's take a minute and look at the situation logically too. We paid a lot of money for this house, granted there are nice things in this house. Upgraded lot size, large ceramic tile through out, up graded carpets, dark cherry cabinets throughout, stainless steel appliances, upgraded Corrianne counter tops etc. etc. etc. We still paid a nice chunk of change for this house. Now we were lucky enough to take advantage of the market when we did and we paid A LOT less than some neighbors around the corner from us. But again with the current state of the market I'm positive the house would appraise for less than what we owe. So the idea of selling at this point is pretty much not going to happen, unless we decided to short sale the property but I would like to keep my good credit in tact. So, the only other option than would be to rent. (Again this is supposed to be the logical part-not the emotional part but let me just tell you that I don't know which is worse to think about-selling this house before I got to do any of the things I have dreamed of doing here and never will be able to do, or watching someone else get to play 'house' in MY house and do all the little things I've wanted for myself here.) Back to the point, we would have to rent-I don't know anything about renting, or being a landlord or anything. Plus, we won't be here - god knows where we'll end up after joining - literally. So again logically I could pay my parents to sort of "look after" the place while we're gone I guess. I don't want to come back to my beautiful house one day that's been trashed so I'd ONLY rent to military people who I know if some how they screwed me over with anything they'd be held accountable. Also, as I've said before this house is beautiful but beauty comes with a price tag and it is not cheap. So let's say we can't find anyone to rent the house. The rent is "too high" or whatever the case maybe, it is possible. If that were to happen Mike and I make decent money together right now while I'm working, but if we did join the AF I would not be working I'd most likely being a stay at home mommy for awhile. So again let's pretend no one will rent it-I'm left with making two house payments. Which we cannot do, especially without two incomes. So we'd have to let it go...which in my opinion would be a total LAST resort. And just imagine going through all this while you're 2,000+ miles away. Doesn't sound like a fun position to be at all, thanks.
#2) I have a career here. Not a job, a career I've gone to school for four long years to to able to do the job I'm privileged to do, and let me just say for the record-I love my job. There are things that sometimes get under my skin about the environment, or all the laws, politics, and rules but generally speaking I like what I do. I enjoy what I do, I have fun with what I do, and I get excited thinking about the years to come and how I can improve and become a better, stronger teacher. Leaving would be a blow to this. I know I could probably find a job teaching again some where else again, but believe me when I say it's not so easy to just walk into a school and have a certificate from another state and get a job. First, you have to be certified in whatever state it is you're wanting to teach in, which you guessed it costs money, on top of that in order to be certified you have to take that states tests to get your certification. Now I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't like taking tests not at all actually-especially expensive intense ones with a lot riding on them. Now, there may be more plans or options out there for military spouses about this where they "bend" the rules. But I don't know for sure. And, to really get into the 'teaching role' as I like to call it, you have to be experienced! It is a whole new ball game from third grade to kindergarten or fourth grade or whatever it is your teaching. The grades are NOT the same, and the things you make, buy, or invest in can not transpire across multiple grade levels. So you start teaching in one grade get all your lessons done, and all the standards taught (you think) in your first year in that grade level. All your centers and games made, that go along with that specific curriculum - those stories in the reading series, that writing curriculum the way that school does it, and those math games that go along with again THAT series that that school uses and you're finally done you made it through your first hell year. The next year is SOOO much better, it is amazing how much easier life becomes, and how much more excited you are to be there! You no longer spend your nights laying awake thinking 'did I teach everything the way I was supposed to? Are the kids going to understand well enough to really grasp the concept so they can do it alone when the times comes. Or I have SOO much work to do!' No way! You lie in bed this year and are excited for how you can change what you did last year to make it more fun and engaging this year! You take what you previously learned and apply it to this year and you GROW so much as a teacher, it's so exciting and fulfilling! I can only imagine what it would be like to be in ONE specific grade level for 4-5 years or until I felt like, "okay I've done all I can do here, now I'm ready to move on and try something new." Being a spouse in the military I doubt I would ever come to that point in my career. I would always be in the first one or two stages of struggling - working my butt off, and really excited to ever really feel comfortable enough to want to more grade levels or schools. I would never have a say in where or when we move, and MY carrier would always be a the mercy of the Air Force.
#3) Family. I know, I know! Those of you who know me well are thinking, "what in the heck is she talking about, half the time her mother drives her crazy!" -And you're right, you're totally right! She does drive me absolutely nuts sometimes! But ya know what- I can't imagine my life without her. Shes crazy, and my dad has an absurd temper but this is the hand I've been delt and I love them regardless. Growing up my mom was a little crazy and my dad did have his temper but they're all I had. I never had the blessing of a large family to play with, gossip about, or fight with. It was always just the 3 of us, always. I never experienced big Christmas dinners, or cousins I went to school with or even lived in the same town as I did! Shit, all my family I spoke to probably a handful of times growing up. I know the drama that comes along with having such a big family I get it! Mikes family sometimes again drive me nuts! The "rules" and positions everyone plays is sometimes a load of BS in my opinion, but ya know what?! They're MINE! All of them! All of the drama, all of the BS, all of the "roles" people think there are-they're still mine-and I don't want to leave them! I don't want my kids growing up stuck in a town where they can't just go stay the night at grandmas whenever they want, or fight with cousins, or have the option to play sports or games with family members together. I don't want to only see everyone on holidays and birthdays! I want my children to have the relationships with their grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles that I NEVER had! I want to be able to just drop my children over at there grandparents house for a night while Michael and I go out and enjoy 'date night' once and awhile! I want to take my kids swimming in my parents pool in the summers, and go shopping with Mikes mom whenever on a whim just because we can! When and how will I ever be able to do those things, or my kids have those special relationships when we're 2,000+ miles away from everyone? We won't. They won't. Sugar coat it which ever way you want, they won't have that relationship-that very relationship I've always wanted so badly for myself and was never able to have-my children won't either.
Now, remember as I said in the beginning there are two sides to every coin-there are advantages to being in the military too and I haven't forgotten them.
#1) Michael will be happy. He is miserable in his job now, it is not what he had expected or hoped for and he is miserable. I hate seeing him so unhappy. I hate watching him come home angry, or tired, or irritated after a long days work. He deserves better. We deserve better. So I'll do what it takes to make light of whatever situation we're in. I'll entertain whatever thought he has about how to improve his situation and I'll support and encourage every effort of his to have a job he enjoys. Because at the end of the day, he will be person working after we have children. He will be the bread winner for our family. And I want him to love his job and be passionate and excited to share what he does during the days while he's away. I want our children to be proud of him, and think to themselves, "wow! one day I want to be just like daddy! And have a job just like his!" I want us to feel that we are doing something bigger than the both of us, involved hole hearted invested in something WE are proud to be apart of. How can anyone feel that way about being a mechanic, in a shop you hate, doing things you dislike, "just to get by, or just to pay the bills?" That's not what I want for him, for us. Not even close.
#2) We'll be able to have a family. Not in the years to come, or when we get bills paid off, or when Michael is done with school...blah blah blah. NOW! We'll be able to make enough money for one person to work and for me to raise my own children, my own way! The greatest job I will ever have is to be a mother, and not just any mother, a fabulous mother that at the end of the day I will be back and be proud of what I've taught and instilled in my children. I will be able to parent intentionally and logically - not emotionally. Meaning I will be able to intentionally parent having reasons and lessons to be taught along the way, rather than just saying 'yes' because I'm sick of the whining after a long days work. Or saying 'no!' because I'm tried and don't have the patience to explain rationally, reasonably why after a long days work. I will have the opportunity to invest all of me into my life's greatest mission-raising strong, independent, self motivated, and reliable children. Because that is what I ultimately want.
#3) Money will not be an issue. Health insurance will not be an issue. My children will always be able to do they things they want, sports, plays, summer camps, music lessons, schools. etc etc etc. The military will give us the opportunity to provide for my children in way my parents never could. Within reason, I will be able to provide for them in ways they deserve to be provided for. Someone won't have to 'go without' what the others had, everyone will have the same opportunities as the first. The words stable and consistent come to mind.
#4) We will be able to travel and see the world. So to speak, not only Michael and I, but our children will be well cultured and see more of the world than whats just around the corner. We will have new experiences and share new lessons together as we see more than just Arizona. And a plus is you won't become stagnant being in the same place forever. You will grow and meet new people and learn new perspectives and find what really makes YOU.
But again talk is cheap and decisions need to be made. Not today, but soon.
#1) We own a house! A very beautiful and expensive house in my opinion. We bought this house about a year and a half ago and at the time, we never had a talk about the AF or any branch of service for that matter. I went into this thinking, "this will be the place we start a family". And I still have a hard time letting go of that dream. I love this house, I love everything about this house. I choose it, I designed it, I painted it, and I've decorated it and I've never been so proud of something that I have done and I feel represents me so well. In addition this is OUR house, we own it, WE pay for it, WE decide everything about it-no one tells me how it needs to be kept, or what my limitations are with it, I decide. On top of that I'm not ready to leave it, again as I said before when I bought this house I bought it with the expectations of starting my family here. I've pictured myself numerous times going through all the motions of painting the room-which I knew the minute I walked in here which room would be baby's. I've envisioned myself being in that room, or coming home to this house with the new baby; I've actually pictured what my life would look like living here with the start of my family and I'm in love with those ideas. I've been in love with those ideas from the first time I stepped foot in this house.
Despite how emotionally attached I am to this house, let's take a minute and look at the situation logically too. We paid a lot of money for this house, granted there are nice things in this house. Upgraded lot size, large ceramic tile through out, up graded carpets, dark cherry cabinets throughout, stainless steel appliances, upgraded Corrianne counter tops etc. etc. etc. We still paid a nice chunk of change for this house. Now we were lucky enough to take advantage of the market when we did and we paid A LOT less than some neighbors around the corner from us. But again with the current state of the market I'm positive the house would appraise for less than what we owe. So the idea of selling at this point is pretty much not going to happen, unless we decided to short sale the property but I would like to keep my good credit in tact. So, the only other option than would be to rent. (Again this is supposed to be the logical part-not the emotional part but let me just tell you that I don't know which is worse to think about-selling this house before I got to do any of the things I have dreamed of doing here and never will be able to do, or watching someone else get to play 'house' in MY house and do all the little things I've wanted for myself here.) Back to the point, we would have to rent-I don't know anything about renting, or being a landlord or anything. Plus, we won't be here - god knows where we'll end up after joining - literally. So again logically I could pay my parents to sort of "look after" the place while we're gone I guess. I don't want to come back to my beautiful house one day that's been trashed so I'd ONLY rent to military people who I know if some how they screwed me over with anything they'd be held accountable. Also, as I've said before this house is beautiful but beauty comes with a price tag and it is not cheap. So let's say we can't find anyone to rent the house. The rent is "too high" or whatever the case maybe, it is possible. If that were to happen Mike and I make decent money together right now while I'm working, but if we did join the AF I would not be working I'd most likely being a stay at home mommy for awhile. So again let's pretend no one will rent it-I'm left with making two house payments. Which we cannot do, especially without two incomes. So we'd have to let it go...which in my opinion would be a total LAST resort. And just imagine going through all this while you're 2,000+ miles away. Doesn't sound like a fun position to be at all, thanks.
#2) I have a career here. Not a job, a career I've gone to school for four long years to to able to do the job I'm privileged to do, and let me just say for the record-I love my job. There are things that sometimes get under my skin about the environment, or all the laws, politics, and rules but generally speaking I like what I do. I enjoy what I do, I have fun with what I do, and I get excited thinking about the years to come and how I can improve and become a better, stronger teacher. Leaving would be a blow to this. I know I could probably find a job teaching again some where else again, but believe me when I say it's not so easy to just walk into a school and have a certificate from another state and get a job. First, you have to be certified in whatever state it is you're wanting to teach in, which you guessed it costs money, on top of that in order to be certified you have to take that states tests to get your certification. Now I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't like taking tests not at all actually-especially expensive intense ones with a lot riding on them. Now, there may be more plans or options out there for military spouses about this where they "bend" the rules. But I don't know for sure. And, to really get into the 'teaching role' as I like to call it, you have to be experienced! It is a whole new ball game from third grade to kindergarten or fourth grade or whatever it is your teaching. The grades are NOT the same, and the things you make, buy, or invest in can not transpire across multiple grade levels. So you start teaching in one grade get all your lessons done, and all the standards taught (you think) in your first year in that grade level. All your centers and games made, that go along with that specific curriculum - those stories in the reading series, that writing curriculum the way that school does it, and those math games that go along with again THAT series that that school uses and you're finally done you made it through your first hell year. The next year is SOOO much better, it is amazing how much easier life becomes, and how much more excited you are to be there! You no longer spend your nights laying awake thinking 'did I teach everything the way I was supposed to? Are the kids going to understand well enough to really grasp the concept so they can do it alone when the times comes. Or I have SOO much work to do!' No way! You lie in bed this year and are excited for how you can change what you did last year to make it more fun and engaging this year! You take what you previously learned and apply it to this year and you GROW so much as a teacher, it's so exciting and fulfilling! I can only imagine what it would be like to be in ONE specific grade level for 4-5 years or until I felt like, "okay I've done all I can do here, now I'm ready to move on and try something new." Being a spouse in the military I doubt I would ever come to that point in my career. I would always be in the first one or two stages of struggling - working my butt off, and really excited to ever really feel comfortable enough to want to more grade levels or schools. I would never have a say in where or when we move, and MY carrier would always be a the mercy of the Air Force.
#3) Family. I know, I know! Those of you who know me well are thinking, "what in the heck is she talking about, half the time her mother drives her crazy!" -And you're right, you're totally right! She does drive me absolutely nuts sometimes! But ya know what- I can't imagine my life without her. Shes crazy, and my dad has an absurd temper but this is the hand I've been delt and I love them regardless. Growing up my mom was a little crazy and my dad did have his temper but they're all I had. I never had the blessing of a large family to play with, gossip about, or fight with. It was always just the 3 of us, always. I never experienced big Christmas dinners, or cousins I went to school with or even lived in the same town as I did! Shit, all my family I spoke to probably a handful of times growing up. I know the drama that comes along with having such a big family I get it! Mikes family sometimes again drive me nuts! The "rules" and positions everyone plays is sometimes a load of BS in my opinion, but ya know what?! They're MINE! All of them! All of the drama, all of the BS, all of the "roles" people think there are-they're still mine-and I don't want to leave them! I don't want my kids growing up stuck in a town where they can't just go stay the night at grandmas whenever they want, or fight with cousins, or have the option to play sports or games with family members together. I don't want to only see everyone on holidays and birthdays! I want my children to have the relationships with their grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles that I NEVER had! I want to be able to just drop my children over at there grandparents house for a night while Michael and I go out and enjoy 'date night' once and awhile! I want to take my kids swimming in my parents pool in the summers, and go shopping with Mikes mom whenever on a whim just because we can! When and how will I ever be able to do those things, or my kids have those special relationships when we're 2,000+ miles away from everyone? We won't. They won't. Sugar coat it which ever way you want, they won't have that relationship-that very relationship I've always wanted so badly for myself and was never able to have-my children won't either.
Now, remember as I said in the beginning there are two sides to every coin-there are advantages to being in the military too and I haven't forgotten them.
#1) Michael will be happy. He is miserable in his job now, it is not what he had expected or hoped for and he is miserable. I hate seeing him so unhappy. I hate watching him come home angry, or tired, or irritated after a long days work. He deserves better. We deserve better. So I'll do what it takes to make light of whatever situation we're in. I'll entertain whatever thought he has about how to improve his situation and I'll support and encourage every effort of his to have a job he enjoys. Because at the end of the day, he will be person working after we have children. He will be the bread winner for our family. And I want him to love his job and be passionate and excited to share what he does during the days while he's away. I want our children to be proud of him, and think to themselves, "wow! one day I want to be just like daddy! And have a job just like his!" I want us to feel that we are doing something bigger than the both of us, involved hole hearted invested in something WE are proud to be apart of. How can anyone feel that way about being a mechanic, in a shop you hate, doing things you dislike, "just to get by, or just to pay the bills?" That's not what I want for him, for us. Not even close.
#2) We'll be able to have a family. Not in the years to come, or when we get bills paid off, or when Michael is done with school...blah blah blah. NOW! We'll be able to make enough money for one person to work and for me to raise my own children, my own way! The greatest job I will ever have is to be a mother, and not just any mother, a fabulous mother that at the end of the day I will be back and be proud of what I've taught and instilled in my children. I will be able to parent intentionally and logically - not emotionally. Meaning I will be able to intentionally parent having reasons and lessons to be taught along the way, rather than just saying 'yes' because I'm sick of the whining after a long days work. Or saying 'no!' because I'm tried and don't have the patience to explain rationally, reasonably why after a long days work. I will have the opportunity to invest all of me into my life's greatest mission-raising strong, independent, self motivated, and reliable children. Because that is what I ultimately want.
#3) Money will not be an issue. Health insurance will not be an issue. My children will always be able to do they things they want, sports, plays, summer camps, music lessons, schools. etc etc etc. The military will give us the opportunity to provide for my children in way my parents never could. Within reason, I will be able to provide for them in ways they deserve to be provided for. Someone won't have to 'go without' what the others had, everyone will have the same opportunities as the first. The words stable and consistent come to mind.
#4) We will be able to travel and see the world. So to speak, not only Michael and I, but our children will be well cultured and see more of the world than whats just around the corner. We will have new experiences and share new lessons together as we see more than just Arizona. And a plus is you won't become stagnant being in the same place forever. You will grow and meet new people and learn new perspectives and find what really makes YOU.
But again talk is cheap and decisions need to be made. Not today, but soon.
Monday, June 7, 2010
done!
So I finally did it... I got a job for next year. I feel like I should be ending that previous sentence with an exclamation mark, but I didn't. Not because I'm not excited, I totally am...I'm just getting used to the decision I just made, and it's a little scary to be totally honest.
I got offered my old job back, and normally if you know me at all, this is unlike me to chose the road unfamiliar. I find comfort in routines and I like waking up knowing what to expect with all aspects of my life. I don't find it fun to think about the unknown or the inexperienced. I do with certain things, when I think about traveling...that is something I want to do, but not really live in different places. I like being comfortable with my surroundings. On top of that switching grade levels is going to be more work! I have all my third grade lessons done, and look ahead- next year would be about making me a better teacher. Looking at the things that worked and focusing on making the things that could have went a little better, get better. But now I chose the opposite road, the one to new adventures, and I know second grade isn't that different from third, but it is a whole new set of lesson plans and a whole new school to be apart of. Actually though, that's sort of why I'm excited about it (oddly enough). I liked TR, I liked the school and the familiar faces...but the down side to that was I didn't really agree with a lot of the politics. I didn't like the other half of the administration and the first half that I did sort of like is leaving year after next. On top of that they're so by the book over there, I feel like you can't really enjoy getting to know everyone because it's all business. Not that I don't agree- the school is meant to be a place of learning, and not just learning about anything-about standards and development. But there has to be some collaboration and excitement in what you're doing and who you're working for.
Tres Rios just did not have a very good atmosphere and I feel that's probably one the of biggest reasons I chose not to come back. I don't want to stay there after Tracy leaves, and I don't really want to work that closely with those two other girls that I don't really see eye to eye with. I know second grade is going to be more work for me, but I'm hoping I will be able to take some of the things I learned in third grade and apply them to my classroom in second grade. I definitely don't feel as lost as I did when I was first starting out. Looking at the standards for second grade I have a lot of the actives we do in third that could be modified. A lot of things are the same, they just don't go into as much detail as we did in third grade. I also don't have to worry about AIMS testing which again will be nice. I'm hoping I get along with my team and that we will be able to plan together. That would make my life a lot easier, but if noting else I do find comfort in knowing the general schedule of the school and the expectations as far as what teachers in this district are upheld to. I just hope I landed a job with a supportive team who doesn't mind explaining some things for someone who has a few questions- and I really hope they team plan together.
I am excited to move to second grade, and I really do feel this is what is best for me in the long run. Having experience in multiple grade levels will only make myself more marketable. And who knows maybe I'll end up liking second grade better than third. :)
I got offered my old job back, and normally if you know me at all, this is unlike me to chose the road unfamiliar. I find comfort in routines and I like waking up knowing what to expect with all aspects of my life. I don't find it fun to think about the unknown or the inexperienced. I do with certain things, when I think about traveling...that is something I want to do, but not really live in different places. I like being comfortable with my surroundings. On top of that switching grade levels is going to be more work! I have all my third grade lessons done, and look ahead- next year would be about making me a better teacher. Looking at the things that worked and focusing on making the things that could have went a little better, get better. But now I chose the opposite road, the one to new adventures, and I know second grade isn't that different from third, but it is a whole new set of lesson plans and a whole new school to be apart of. Actually though, that's sort of why I'm excited about it (oddly enough). I liked TR, I liked the school and the familiar faces...but the down side to that was I didn't really agree with a lot of the politics. I didn't like the other half of the administration and the first half that I did sort of like is leaving year after next. On top of that they're so by the book over there, I feel like you can't really enjoy getting to know everyone because it's all business. Not that I don't agree- the school is meant to be a place of learning, and not just learning about anything-about standards and development. But there has to be some collaboration and excitement in what you're doing and who you're working for.
Tres Rios just did not have a very good atmosphere and I feel that's probably one the of biggest reasons I chose not to come back. I don't want to stay there after Tracy leaves, and I don't really want to work that closely with those two other girls that I don't really see eye to eye with. I know second grade is going to be more work for me, but I'm hoping I will be able to take some of the things I learned in third grade and apply them to my classroom in second grade. I definitely don't feel as lost as I did when I was first starting out. Looking at the standards for second grade I have a lot of the actives we do in third that could be modified. A lot of things are the same, they just don't go into as much detail as we did in third grade. I also don't have to worry about AIMS testing which again will be nice. I'm hoping I get along with my team and that we will be able to plan together. That would make my life a lot easier, but if noting else I do find comfort in knowing the general schedule of the school and the expectations as far as what teachers in this district are upheld to. I just hope I landed a job with a supportive team who doesn't mind explaining some things for someone who has a few questions- and I really hope they team plan together.
I am excited to move to second grade, and I really do feel this is what is best for me in the long run. Having experience in multiple grade levels will only make myself more marketable. And who knows maybe I'll end up liking second grade better than third. :)
Monday, May 31, 2010
oddly familiar
It still weirds me out to see someone I used to be so close with change so much. I thought I knew her inside and out. I should have realized a long time ago that she was not the person she made herself out to be, but I still have a hard time realizing that everything really was fake with her. I mean it must have been, for her to change so much between now and then we really never had that many things in common to begin with. She really had some underlieing issues about who she really was, and I was just a phase - or someone who she pretended to be good friends with because that made the most sense at the time (never really the truth though).
It still stings looking at her now and really understanding the differences we always had. Makes me almost feel niave to be so blind. But then she almost had everyone fooled, probably even herself for a time. I have to keep reminding myself that she is not, nor was she ever the person I thought she was and therefore was in essance a waste of time. I must have been nothing more than a cover up for her lies. Again, it stings even now to realize that. At the time I didn't view our friendship in that light, and when I was going through the events I had so much anger and antomosity towards her for letting it turn into something so far from what it origionally was. I was so hurt and confused as to why she was treating me that way, why she chose to ruin any speck of friendship that was left reguardless of how small. I knew then that I would forever have a scar left behind from it, because to me the friendship never was fake, to me when it was good it was one of the best friendships I had ever had. When it turned sour I knew I would always have a mark from it, what I didn't expect was for it to still sting even now.
I should delete her and move on. That way I don't have to be reminded of her, but I am curious. Maybe that's why she never deleted me. I know she sees my posts and is reminded of me as I am of her. She must stop by my profile from time to time and look at my pictures or read posts from friends... I wonder if it stings for her too. That's why I can't delete her. My curosity always wins in the end. And again maybe I still do have a little hope that one day she'll want to reconnect and explain why she did what she did (maybe even appologize). Then again, she really is not at all the person I used to think she was. So maybe this hope that I have is a lost cause. I guess I never really knew her, and probably never will. I'm sure the scars run deep for her also, which is why I'm still there too.
It still stings looking at her now and really understanding the differences we always had. Makes me almost feel niave to be so blind. But then she almost had everyone fooled, probably even herself for a time. I have to keep reminding myself that she is not, nor was she ever the person I thought she was and therefore was in essance a waste of time. I must have been nothing more than a cover up for her lies. Again, it stings even now to realize that. At the time I didn't view our friendship in that light, and when I was going through the events I had so much anger and antomosity towards her for letting it turn into something so far from what it origionally was. I was so hurt and confused as to why she was treating me that way, why she chose to ruin any speck of friendship that was left reguardless of how small. I knew then that I would forever have a scar left behind from it, because to me the friendship never was fake, to me when it was good it was one of the best friendships I had ever had. When it turned sour I knew I would always have a mark from it, what I didn't expect was for it to still sting even now.
I should delete her and move on. That way I don't have to be reminded of her, but I am curious. Maybe that's why she never deleted me. I know she sees my posts and is reminded of me as I am of her. She must stop by my profile from time to time and look at my pictures or read posts from friends... I wonder if it stings for her too. That's why I can't delete her. My curosity always wins in the end. And again maybe I still do have a little hope that one day she'll want to reconnect and explain why she did what she did (maybe even appologize). Then again, she really is not at all the person I used to think she was. So maybe this hope that I have is a lost cause. I guess I never really knew her, and probably never will. I'm sure the scars run deep for her also, which is why I'm still there too.
Friday, May 28, 2010
I have done everthing I can...please let something work out!
It was so hard to walk into that office that day and sit there so still and listen to Faulkner talk about why I was being RIFT. It was like having your heart walked on, and sitting back and trying to listen and be "professional" as she talks about loosing me like it was "out of her control." All I keep thinking is I don't deserve to be here... I love my job. Of course there are days that are better than others, and sometimes I get angry and irritated with kids and politics; but I honestly couldn't picture myself doing anything else that I feel I would enjoy as much. I love teaching things and seeing how far the kids have come, I love being around them everyday. I truly do feel that I have made improvements in my teaching abilities and will continue to grow each year. At the end of each year I sit back and look at the way somethings worked and what I will do differently next year. And to have this all taken away from me before I am ready to leave it behind is not only a blow to my self esteem but also makes me cry. There are so many other teachers that I know personally who don't like their job-don't want to be there-don't try half as hard, grow as much- or having as much success in teaching as I do and yet on paper - someone sitting in an office who has never met me, never seen me teach, never spoken to any one of our principals and just decide to let me go over another because on paper the others have more credentials than I do. Look at the bigger picture who is the better teacher?! Ask the principals! Look at the observations-I have never had an issue!
Be that as it may, I'm the one sitting around during the day checking postings online. I'm the one crying at night thinking - how could this have happened to me?! I'm a good teacher! And I have done so much to try to get a job! I have called, emailed, sent it numerous applications. I follow up with principals even when they don't follow up with me. I keep calling, keep emailing, keep applying. I don't know what else I can do, just sit back and wait I guess. It's only been a week since school has been out, but in that time I have checked everyday. Every time I see something I am remotely interested in I have applied or emailed. Maybe I need to be more patient. Something will show up, someone will call. I just hope its soon rather than later. The longer I sit and wait around for something to open up, the more hopeless I start to feel.
Be that as it may, I'm the one sitting around during the day checking postings online. I'm the one crying at night thinking - how could this have happened to me?! I'm a good teacher! And I have done so much to try to get a job! I have called, emailed, sent it numerous applications. I follow up with principals even when they don't follow up with me. I keep calling, keep emailing, keep applying. I don't know what else I can do, just sit back and wait I guess. It's only been a week since school has been out, but in that time I have checked everyday. Every time I see something I am remotely interested in I have applied or emailed. Maybe I need to be more patient. Something will show up, someone will call. I just hope its soon rather than later. The longer I sit and wait around for something to open up, the more hopeless I start to feel.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
The grass is always greener
Sometimes I look around at the choices I've made and I am very proud of myself. I have 25 years old now (ick that seems SO old) I have a wonderful house that we built from the ground up deciding on everything from the color of the outside to the design of the carpet on the inside. I know I wouldn't have these many nice things if I didn't work so hard for them. I would not have a nice house, with two nice and reliable cars, clothes in the closet a new TV, nice jewelry etc. had I taken the easy road after high school. An education and career just felt in so many ways like the next step. I graduated and this is what is supposed to come next in life.
But then there are those other times where I think, 'I work so hard and all I really want to do is stay home and build a family.' I truly envy those who get to sit at home and do the things on a daily basis that they actually want to be doing all the time. How great it would be to wake up one morning and decide I want to spend the day in bed, or go to an afternoon movie, or heck meet my husband for lunch. Or do crafts, and spend time with close friends and family. My job is important because in some ways I do have the best of both worlds you could say. I have that time during the year where I am kept busy and have things to grow professionally with; at the same time I have those summers where I can lay by the pool one day and soak up the sun with a good book and my Ipod by my side.
I found out today that in order to keep your teaching license you have to teach a certain number of hours every two years and give those hours to the department of ed. This really urkes my plans. I don't mind teaching, but there has always been apart of me that wishes one day to stay at home with my kids for a couple of years and not worry about lesson plans, PD, school, grades, 301 money, IEP's, test scores, reading levels, difficult children the list goes on and on believe me. And now, come to find out that in order to save myself the trouble of not having to become re certified (because we all know how much fun that process is) I have to continue to teach X amount of hours per year. Blah. If I ever really sat home though, I know myself I would be bored and lonely...
The grass IS always greener...
But then there are those other times where I think, 'I work so hard and all I really want to do is stay home and build a family.' I truly envy those who get to sit at home and do the things on a daily basis that they actually want to be doing all the time. How great it would be to wake up one morning and decide I want to spend the day in bed, or go to an afternoon movie, or heck meet my husband for lunch. Or do crafts, and spend time with close friends and family. My job is important because in some ways I do have the best of both worlds you could say. I have that time during the year where I am kept busy and have things to grow professionally with; at the same time I have those summers where I can lay by the pool one day and soak up the sun with a good book and my Ipod by my side.
I found out today that in order to keep your teaching license you have to teach a certain number of hours every two years and give those hours to the department of ed. This really urkes my plans. I don't mind teaching, but there has always been apart of me that wishes one day to stay at home with my kids for a couple of years and not worry about lesson plans, PD, school, grades, 301 money, IEP's, test scores, reading levels, difficult children the list goes on and on believe me. And now, come to find out that in order to save myself the trouble of not having to become re certified (because we all know how much fun that process is) I have to continue to teach X amount of hours per year. Blah. If I ever really sat home though, I know myself I would be bored and lonely...
The grass IS always greener...
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Times have changed.
From the very beginning, I don't want to sound ungreatful...so here goes I'll tell my story but again I don't want anyone to think that I'm not greatful for what I have been given.
This whole story stems from yep, you guessed it my parents. I love them, they are the ones who have raised me and made the blunt, opinionated person I am today. They have always taught me, at least my mom has to speak your mind and not to be afraid to say what you mean reguardless of who is listening. I agreed with that a lot when I was younger- you couldn't tell me something without expecting me to be 100% honest and truthful whatever the outcome. As I got older I learned about a little thing called tact. I believe my mother missed this lesson some where along the way. Now, it's not fair to call her tactless, but she is definitely blunt.
So again the story begins the other day when I came home from work and am greeted my Koda at the door. This is unusal, normally he waits until I round the corner to come and greet me, but not today. As soon as I opened the door there he is; I immeditely smell some odor that is let's just say not very pleasant. I walk in the house and find he has gotten "sick" from both ends multiple times. Wonderful. I let him outback and round the corner to our bedroom to let out the other little heathen, and there she is in her kennel with the bottom plastic peice pushed out from under the bottom of it standing in pool of her own "sickness". I open the door and throw her outside too. I'm disgusted and at witts end, Michael is gone at school and work so he's not avliable to help me clean these huge messes and I have no carpet cleaner either. The only person avliable to come and help me is none other than my mother-wonderful.
Now, Mike is sort of a messy person- not a slob but messy. And I would LOVE to sit around all day and work on my house but honestly I work full time. I'm at work for 10+ hours a day and when I finally get home I'm usually cooking dinner, writing lesson plans, or grading papers. Over the weekends we clean-vaccum, mop, laundry, dust, yard work whatever needs to be done. I don't always get to everything in the weekend-we do try but again when you work full time and have a lot going on when the time comes to sit and relax or go out and have a date night with your spouce we would rather be doing that. So sometimes things don't always happen right away. Normally the big things-laundry, vaccuming, and mopping gets taken care of. Anyway any amount of mess to my parents is plain laziness. And she'll be the first to tell you about it in her truthful blunt way.
So she comes over and its one thing after another about the house, the carpet, the dogs, whatever she can find to complain about. The carpet hasn't been vaccumed, the bed isn't made, Mike has a pile of dirty clothes next to his side of the bed, the key to the gate isn't on the hook, the dogs are shedding blah blah blah. You can understand my frustration. So, anyway we finish with the carpet and she goes to leave and accidently kicks the coffee table on her way out. She then turns to me all upset and says, "this stupid thing is such a peice of shit! Why don't you get rid of it" so I turn and say, "its like the biggest peice of furniture right in the middle of the room, how do you miss it?" "it's freaking ugly and in the way, no wonder Jackie gave you and Michael this stupid thing is goddy and ugly" with that she then preceeds to kick my coffee table with her shoe and leave a scuff mark on it. UGH!! Why does she act like this? I actually don't mind the coffee table, it isn't the best looking thing in the world but it's nice and it serves its purpose and she intentionally kicks it and scuffs it just to be a brat.
Obviously no one taught her if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. That lesson either was never taught to my mother or she completly turned a def ear to that important life lesson. She just makes me feel like crap sometimes and I don't even really think she realizes she's doing it. I don't want to be bitter towards the women but the truth is, I am. I'm bitter about the way she is juudgemental even with her own family, I'm bitter that she is so interested in money and who is paying for things, I'm bitter because she can't just give to someone without expecting things in return, and I'm bitter because she doesn't have a filter and only thinks about how she feels in the situation. I know you don't want to hear my mommy woes, but sometimes I can't help but vent.
Anyway on to a new day and new attitude without being bitter, it is what it is, and I can't change it or her so I love her...and move on.
This whole story stems from yep, you guessed it my parents. I love them, they are the ones who have raised me and made the blunt, opinionated person I am today. They have always taught me, at least my mom has to speak your mind and not to be afraid to say what you mean reguardless of who is listening. I agreed with that a lot when I was younger- you couldn't tell me something without expecting me to be 100% honest and truthful whatever the outcome. As I got older I learned about a little thing called tact. I believe my mother missed this lesson some where along the way. Now, it's not fair to call her tactless, but she is definitely blunt.
So again the story begins the other day when I came home from work and am greeted my Koda at the door. This is unusal, normally he waits until I round the corner to come and greet me, but not today. As soon as I opened the door there he is; I immeditely smell some odor that is let's just say not very pleasant. I walk in the house and find he has gotten "sick" from both ends multiple times. Wonderful. I let him outback and round the corner to our bedroom to let out the other little heathen, and there she is in her kennel with the bottom plastic peice pushed out from under the bottom of it standing in pool of her own "sickness". I open the door and throw her outside too. I'm disgusted and at witts end, Michael is gone at school and work so he's not avliable to help me clean these huge messes and I have no carpet cleaner either. The only person avliable to come and help me is none other than my mother-wonderful.
Now, Mike is sort of a messy person- not a slob but messy. And I would LOVE to sit around all day and work on my house but honestly I work full time. I'm at work for 10+ hours a day and when I finally get home I'm usually cooking dinner, writing lesson plans, or grading papers. Over the weekends we clean-vaccum, mop, laundry, dust, yard work whatever needs to be done. I don't always get to everything in the weekend-we do try but again when you work full time and have a lot going on when the time comes to sit and relax or go out and have a date night with your spouce we would rather be doing that. So sometimes things don't always happen right away. Normally the big things-laundry, vaccuming, and mopping gets taken care of. Anyway any amount of mess to my parents is plain laziness. And she'll be the first to tell you about it in her truthful blunt way.
So she comes over and its one thing after another about the house, the carpet, the dogs, whatever she can find to complain about. The carpet hasn't been vaccumed, the bed isn't made, Mike has a pile of dirty clothes next to his side of the bed, the key to the gate isn't on the hook, the dogs are shedding blah blah blah. You can understand my frustration. So, anyway we finish with the carpet and she goes to leave and accidently kicks the coffee table on her way out. She then turns to me all upset and says, "this stupid thing is such a peice of shit! Why don't you get rid of it" so I turn and say, "its like the biggest peice of furniture right in the middle of the room, how do you miss it?" "it's freaking ugly and in the way, no wonder Jackie gave you and Michael this stupid thing is goddy and ugly" with that she then preceeds to kick my coffee table with her shoe and leave a scuff mark on it. UGH!! Why does she act like this? I actually don't mind the coffee table, it isn't the best looking thing in the world but it's nice and it serves its purpose and she intentionally kicks it and scuffs it just to be a brat.
Obviously no one taught her if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. That lesson either was never taught to my mother or she completly turned a def ear to that important life lesson. She just makes me feel like crap sometimes and I don't even really think she realizes she's doing it. I don't want to be bitter towards the women but the truth is, I am. I'm bitter about the way she is juudgemental even with her own family, I'm bitter that she is so interested in money and who is paying for things, I'm bitter because she can't just give to someone without expecting things in return, and I'm bitter because she doesn't have a filter and only thinks about how she feels in the situation. I know you don't want to hear my mommy woes, but sometimes I can't help but vent.
Anyway on to a new day and new attitude without being bitter, it is what it is, and I can't change it or her so I love her...and move on.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Long time coming
Wow! This is so exciting! I used to always write, I've had journals since I can remember...but for a long time-to long to really justify-I have stopped. I don't know why, I feel maybe I ran out of time. But no, I don't really think that is the truth. Anyway this has been a long time coming, I feel excited to get back to writing again mostly whatever goes on in my daily life. Hopefully, not too boring.
Here's my first attempt at making this page more visually appealing... ha! I've never been too creative. Always envied those who has that trait, so we'll see how well this turns out. Wish me luck!
Here's my first attempt at making this page more visually appealing... ha! I've never been too creative. Always envied those who has that trait, so we'll see how well this turns out. Wish me luck!
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