School is finally starting again in 2 days, wow did this summer go by fast! It seems like I spent a fraction of time doing "whatever" as I did last summer. I remember last summer actually looking for ways to occupy my time, not this summer. There was maybe a 2 solid week time frame where I didn't really have anything going on, and the rest of the time was spent doing things (granted they were still things I wanted to be doing rather than feeling like they HAD to be done).
I moved into my new classroom and got all set up again, totally weird. This school is SO much different than Tres was, everyone is relaxed and no one gets on anyones back about anything. It's really weird to go from Tres where everyone and everything was SO up tight to be in a setting of just total relaxation. It's a nice change for sure, but I almost feel like something is missing, like I'm looking around corners all the time waiting for someone to step in and tell me I can't do that, or there is some kind of procedure that needs to be followed. I really do look forward to this year though and all the new experiences. We had meed the teacher night the other night and I met some of my kiddos. They're so small! I used to kids coming to me being 3rd graders. Not tiny little 2nd graders that actually look like 1st graders! I think I'll like being down here in 2nd though because I did my student teaching in kindergarten and I LOVED that, so I do definitely have a fondness for the little ones.
It's odd, Mike and I had an argument the other night, I hate to admit that but what couples don't fight ya know? Well in our argument it started about him wanting to go over to a friends house and play drums, which normally fine whatever I wouldn't care but this particular week I did because I had a lot going on and wasn't going to spend much time with him. So he ended up staying home but was irritated at me for asking him to stay. Anyway in our argument we talked about the AF again, here we go! I told him the truth about how I feel about it, which is...I don't want to join. God, it sounds so selfish to me to hear myself even say it now. It's like I know he wants this so badly and so I want it for the sake of him. For the sake of doing something because I know how much it means to him, I just can't shake the feeling like I would be leaving so much behind. I know this might not make sense to everyone but it's the truth about how I feel. Someone else's opinion I'm sure differs from my own but to me that's it. I feel like I would resent him in a way. I would be stuck at home in a town where I don't know anyone while he's gone all day at work. I would be left alone to raise our children while he's gone chasing his dreams. I wouldn't know anyone worth really making relationships with, only people to pass the time. And I would miss my family, and my home which would turn into resentment towards him for "making" us leave when I knew I didn't want to go. I like the idea of staying in one school for a long time and really making my classroom mine, not feeling like a revolving door where I moved in just as quickly as I moved out. A life in the military would give me only that, nice places to visit but would never really feel like home. Or if they did, as soon as the feeling came we would leave again. I would never teacher the same grade level for longer than a few years and have to move around again. That's not what I want...I want to be some place where I feel it's like a second home, all the kids and staff know me and I have everything I need ready and at my finger tips.
Selfish or not, I feel like the military would not be the life for me. I don't think I'd be happy. And I know by staying here I'm making the choice to continue working even after we have kids. If we joined and didn't have this house payment it would be a quick fix to be able to stay home and raise my family without worrying about childcare or income; but at what expense? And I see so many others I work with have young children and still work. I look at them and wonder now how they manage with a small child at home. I think gosh in order to get the kid up and moving in the morning that's probably another 30 extra minutes on top of however long it takes me to get ready, not counting extra time if I have to take them any where for dare care during the day. Then leaving school at a decent hour to make sure I have enough time pick the kid up, come home, get dinner done, and cleaned up, and finally spending some time with my kid after a long days work. How in the heck do these mom's do it? Maybe if they worked part time and only went in for a few hours a day, but where in the heck am I going to find a job that pays decent enough to do that and justify really being gone? I can't imagine doing both, but so many others I see do. I wish I could just really see what each life would look like before I decide on it. Ya know like test driving a car? Just for a week have a baby living the life we do now and see what the level of stress would be like...I imagine pretty great. But then again, "test drive" the life of a military spouse and see what it would really feel like to be 1000+ miles away from friends or family with a little baby and trying to find things to keep me busy or feel accomplished at the end of the day. Cause that would be awful, feeling like I've spent the whole day chasing around some kid, and I've lost almost all of the things that made me, me! I need to feel accomplished and like I've succeeded and made a difference at the end of the day, proud and almost sufficient. I can't just sit around and do nothing, I need something to be proud of and not only proud of like a child, but I need to be fulfilled for my own needs. I wonder if the AF would feel like that, or if it would be like wanting to go home and back to the familiar.
Someone want to trade lives for a week? I would like a test run before making a commitment to either.
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