oddly familiar

It still weirds me out to see someone I used to be so close with change so much. I thought I knew her inside and out. I should have realized a long time ago that she was not the person she made herself out to be, but I still have a hard time realizing that everything really was fake with her. I mean it must have been, for her to change so much between now and then we really never had that many things in common to begin with. She really had some underlieing issues about who she really was, and I was just a phase - or someone who she pretended to be good friends with because that made the most sense at the time (never really the truth though).

It still stings looking at her now and really understanding the differences we always had. Makes me almost feel niave to be so blind. But then she almost had everyone fooled, probably even herself for a time. I have to keep reminding myself that she is not, nor was she ever the person I thought she was and therefore was in essance a waste of time. I must have been nothing more than a cover up for her lies. Again, it stings even now to realize that. At the time I didn't view our friendship in that light, and when I was going through the events I had so much anger and antomosity towards her for letting it turn into something so far from what it origionally was. I was so hurt and confused as to why she was treating me that way, why she chose to ruin any speck of friendship that was left reguardless of how small. I knew then that I would forever have a scar left behind from it, because to me the friendship never was fake, to me when it was good it was one of the best friendships I had ever had. When it turned sour I knew I would always have a mark from it, what I didn't expect was for it to still sting even now.

I should delete her and move on. That way I don't have to be reminded of her, but I am curious. Maybe that's why she never deleted me. I know she sees my posts and is reminded of me as I am of her. She must stop by my profile from time to time and look at my pictures or read posts from friends... I wonder if it stings for her too. That's why I can't delete her. My curosity always wins in the end. And again maybe I still do have a little hope that one day she'll want to reconnect and explain why she did what she did (maybe even appologize). Then again, she really is not at all the person I used to think she was. So maybe this hope that I have is a lost cause. I guess I never really knew her, and probably never will. I'm sure the scars run deep for her also, which is why I'm still there too.

I have done everthing I can...please let something work out!

It was so hard to walk into that office that day and sit there so still and listen to Faulkner talk about why I was being RIFT. It was like having your heart walked on, and sitting back and trying to listen and be "professional" as she talks about loosing me like it was "out of her control." All I keep thinking is I don't deserve to be here... I love my job. Of course there are days that are better than others, and sometimes I get angry and irritated with kids and politics; but I honestly couldn't picture myself doing anything else that I feel I would enjoy as much. I love teaching things and seeing how far the kids have come, I love being around them everyday. I truly do feel that I have made improvements in my teaching abilities and will continue to grow each year. At the end of each year I sit back and look at the way somethings worked and what I will do differently next year. And to have this all taken away from me before I am ready to leave it behind is not only a blow to my self esteem but also makes me cry. There are so many other teachers that I know personally who don't like their job-don't want to be there-don't try half as hard, grow as much- or having as much success in teaching as I do and yet on paper - someone sitting in an office who has never met me, never seen me teach, never spoken to any one of our principals and just decide to let me go over another because on paper the others have more credentials than I do. Look at the bigger picture who is the better teacher?! Ask the principals! Look at the observations-I have never had an issue!

Be that as it may, I'm the one sitting around during the day checking postings online. I'm the one crying at night thinking - how could this have happened to me?! I'm a good teacher! And I have done so much to try to get a job! I have called, emailed, sent it numerous applications. I follow up with principals even when they don't follow up with me. I keep calling, keep emailing, keep applying. I don't know what else I can do, just sit back and wait I guess. It's only been a week since school has been out, but in that time I have checked everyday. Every time I see something I am remotely interested in I have applied or emailed. Maybe I need to be more patient. Something will show up, someone will call. I just hope its soon rather than later. The longer I sit and wait around for something to open up, the more hopeless I start to feel.

The grass is always greener

Sometimes I look around at the choices I've made and I am very proud of myself. I have 25 years old now (ick that seems SO old) I have a wonderful house that we built from the ground up deciding on everything from the color of the outside to the design of the carpet on the inside. I know I wouldn't have these many nice things if I didn't work so hard for them. I would not have a nice house, with two nice and reliable cars, clothes in the closet a new TV, nice jewelry etc. had I taken the easy road after high school. An education and career just felt in so many ways like the next step. I graduated and this is what is supposed to come next in life.

But then there are those other times where I think, 'I work so hard and all I really want to do is stay home and build a family.' I truly envy those who get to sit at home and do the things on a daily basis that they actually want to be doing all the time. How great it would be to wake up one morning and decide I want to spend the day in bed, or go to an afternoon movie, or heck meet my husband for lunch. Or do crafts, and spend time with close friends and family. My job is important because in some ways I do have the best of both worlds you could say. I have that time during the year where I am kept busy and have things to grow professionally with; at the same time I have those summers where I can lay by the pool one day and soak up the sun with a good book and my Ipod by my side.

I found out today that in order to keep your teaching license you have to teach a certain number of hours every two years and give those hours to the department of ed. This really urkes my plans. I don't mind teaching, but there has always been apart of me that wishes one day to stay at home with my kids for a couple of years and not worry about lesson plans, PD, school, grades, 301 money, IEP's, test scores, reading levels, difficult children the list goes on and on believe me. And now, come to find out that in order to save myself the trouble of not having to become re certified (because we all know how much fun that process is) I have to continue to teach X amount of hours per year. Blah. If I ever really sat home though, I know myself I would be bored and lonely...

The grass IS always greener...