Twelve days and a wake up and yup you guess it, we'll be there. Where? San Antonio of course, to finally get to see Michael again. If you thought I would say something about being there to see him graduate from basic you're wrong, not because I won't witness that but because I could careless about the proceedings of the actual graduation and more about what comes after... What comes after is the reuniting of my family. MY FAMILY. Ya know the one that increased by one important little boy about 3 months ago, yea...well see this new little man misses his daddy like nobodies business and as for myself, words cannot express how hard this has been on me (us I should say) emotionally. Truth be told, I haven't really allowed myself dwell in his absence much. Not because I think grieving is "unproductive" like some people I mean you wanna be sad, be sad for awhile. No, I haven't allowed myself to really be upset because it's not just about me anymore. And who would I be if I let myself wallow in thought that honestly won't change anything or make time go any faster? I will not sit back and let life pass me by as I wish for something that will not come any sooner. So I will kick my own ass thank you very much and get out of the house and go to lunch, and the mall, and go to California (yes with a 3 month old in a car seat) because it's not getting any better standing around waiting. It is what it is, and I'll be damned if I watch it pass me by while I sit around in grief.
No, it's not been this easy task of waking up in the morning and getting dressed and finding things to occupy my time but I've learned to let other people help my along the way. Listen to their suggestions about how to raise my son, and what would be beneficial to me and him because what else am I going to do? And ya know what? It worked! Half of the advice I received from family and friends turned out they did know what they were talking about most of the time. So rather than find my own way through this and struggle because I do have a new baby and a life that's been completely turned upside down in the past 5 months, I will evolve and try new things and see what works for us. And most of the time, things have a way of working out. I miss Michael, and I miss the absence of him but it's nice to have someone else perspective in this new chapter in my life that I may have otherwise rejected and tried to find my own way with him here. Not because I don't love my friends and family when Michael is here but because if he HAD been here I may have been more inclined to do things as "our" family and not been around others as much as when I'm living with them and not my husband. Like I said, things have a way of working themselves out.
I would not have been here without the huge amount of support from my family though. I don't even know if I could ever have the words to express to them how easy this has been - when I really thought it would be quite a transition. Don't get me wrong, my life has changed dramatically and I don't do the things that I used to do anymore because I don't have a house anymore I'm constantly back and forth between my in laws and parents so who am I to tell them how to run things in their own home? So even when I've seen things that I would do differently I've bit my tongue and respected that it is not my home and not my way of doing things. But more often than not, the changes have not been so bad. And in regards to the boy, kind of nice.
I still can't wait to see him though and go to sleep ever night crossing another day off m calendar as another day down and one more morning closer to being back together. I don't even care what we do, where we go, or whose around. I just want to spend time together again. And I'm thankful for this time to let the boy grow closer with his grandparents on both sides and start a long relationship with them other than just a Christmas and birthday card twice a year. That's all I really had with my grandparents and I want more for Karson and I believe this time we've had with them, this time he's had with them has been irreplaceable and very valuable as far as him starting his own real relationship with them. But BOOM! Am I ready to see that hubby of mine?! Gaawwwdddd!!! It's gonna be BOMB DIGGITY (insert family inside joke here haha).
In 12 days and a wake up!
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