12 days and a wake up...

Twelve days and a wake up and yup you guess it, we'll be there. Where? San Antonio of course, to finally get to see Michael again. If you thought I would say something about being there to see him graduate from basic you're wrong, not because I won't witness that but because I could careless about the proceedings of the actual graduation and more about what comes after... What comes after is the reuniting of my family. MY FAMILY. Ya know the one that increased by one important little boy about 3 months ago, yea...well see this new little man misses his daddy like nobodies business and as for myself, words cannot express how hard this has been on me (us I should say) emotionally. Truth be told, I haven't really allowed myself dwell in his absence much. Not because I think grieving is "unproductive" like some people I mean you wanna be sad, be sad for awhile. No, I haven't allowed myself to really be upset because it's not just about me anymore. And who would I be if I let myself wallow in thought that honestly won't change anything or make time go any faster? I will not sit back and let life pass me by as I wish for something that will not come any sooner. So I will kick my own ass thank you very much and get out of the house and go to lunch, and the mall, and go to California (yes with a 3 month old in a car seat) because it's not getting any better standing around waiting. It is what it is, and I'll be damned if I watch it pass me by while I sit around in grief.

No, it's not been this easy task of waking up in the morning and getting dressed and finding things to occupy my time but I've learned to let other people help my along the way. Listen to their suggestions about how to raise my son, and what would be beneficial to me and him because what else am I going to do? And ya know what? It worked! Half of the advice I received from family and friends turned out they did know what they were talking about most of the time. So rather than find my own way through this and struggle because I do have a new baby and a life that's been completely turned upside down in the past 5 months, I will evolve and try new things and see what works for us. And most of the time, things have a way of working out. I miss Michael, and I miss the absence of him but it's nice to have someone else perspective in this new chapter in my life that I may have otherwise rejected and tried to find my own way with him here. Not because I don't love my friends and family when Michael is here but because if he HAD been here I may have been more inclined to do things as "our" family and not been around others as much as when I'm living with them and not my husband. Like I said, things have a way of working themselves out.

I would not have been here without the huge amount of support from my family though. I don't even know if I could ever have the words to express to them how easy this has been - when I really thought it would be quite a transition. Don't get me wrong, my life has changed dramatically and I don't do the things that I used to do anymore because I don't have a house anymore I'm constantly back and forth between my in laws and parents so who am I to tell them how to run things in their own home? So even when I've seen things that I would do differently I've bit my tongue and respected that it is not my home and not my way of doing things. But more often than not, the changes have not been so bad. And in regards to the boy, kind of nice.

I still can't wait to see him though and go to sleep ever night crossing another day off m calendar as another day down and one more morning closer to being back together. I don't even care what we do, where we go, or whose around. I just want to spend time together again. And I'm thankful for this time to let the boy grow closer with his grandparents on both sides and start a long relationship with them other than just a Christmas and birthday card twice a year. That's all I really had with my grandparents and I want more for Karson and I believe this time we've had with them, this time he's had with them has been irreplaceable and very valuable as far as him starting his own real relationship with them. But BOOM! Am I ready to see that hubby of mine?! Gaawwwdddd!!! It's gonna be BOMB DIGGITY (insert family inside joke here haha).

In 12 days and a wake up!

Beginning of the end

It's official. This week marks the beginning of the LAST week Michael will work for Mercedes. Friday is his LAST day, his very last day to walk into that place. Not only that place, but any dealership for awhile to come. To say he's excited is an understatement. I don't think I've seen the boy in this good of a mood since he started working there almost 4 years ago with all his ambition.

I thought I had a picture to show his graduation from Mercedes to show where he was wen we started this journey, and all the promise he had in front of him. And I don't, not on this computer. Better anyway, because that was such a long time ago and so many opinions and hopes have changed since then. He's ready to move on, I think we both are ready to be done and start the next thing. I feel like this whole experience is such a process, a process of giving up all the older dreams and coming to the realization they will never come true and trade them for a new set that are so far different from the original ones they seemed foreign at first.

Foreign because they have such a different destination from our original dreams. But I guess that's life for ya, you get older things change and the places you thought you wanted to end up change, because you change, you grow and mature as well as your relationship and circumstances. I wanted THIS house, this life, in this state. And I've realized those things are never going to happen. This house will never happen, I had it for a little while...and it was wonderful when I had it and when I thought this was what I wanted it was perfect but as our ambitions grew this house became too small to hold them and I realized this place was a hindrance and was only going to old us back because of our finical obligations. And it was a hard conclusion to come too, because I put my heart and sole into this house. This was everything I wanted for SO long, and in the beginning it almost defined Michael and I. This was the first this we REALLY worked for, I mean work HARD for. Saved so much money, put so much time and effort into, and I was so proud of. I was proud of what it looked like, and what it meant. And I still am. I'm proud that we were here, we did have this.

And now we will move on... Onto uncharted waters and uncertain territory of the Air Force. Will we like this new adventure? Will we want to stay in and make this a career? I can't say. What I can say is it'll be our stepping stone for the next few years, it will eventually get us to a place where we want to be. Michael WILL have his degree, we won't have ton of debt to get it, I will have the option of being available to my kids 24/7 if I so wish, and my masters may be in the works soon too. There will be more sacrifices along the way, more heartache as I'm sure (especially when Mike gets the call that he's being deployed for awhile because it will happen at some point) but the hope is at the end of all this we'll be in a better place. We'll be able to come home again if we chose and have a better life to come back too.

So here goes the beginning of the end of this time, this place, and this dream... And onto newer dreams.