12 days and a wake up...

Twelve days and a wake up and yup you guess it, we'll be there. Where? San Antonio of course, to finally get to see Michael again. If you thought I would say something about being there to see him graduate from basic you're wrong, not because I won't witness that but because I could careless about the proceedings of the actual graduation and more about what comes after... What comes after is the reuniting of my family. MY FAMILY. Ya know the one that increased by one important little boy about 3 months ago, yea...well see this new little man misses his daddy like nobodies business and as for myself, words cannot express how hard this has been on me (us I should say) emotionally. Truth be told, I haven't really allowed myself dwell in his absence much. Not because I think grieving is "unproductive" like some people I mean you wanna be sad, be sad for awhile. No, I haven't allowed myself to really be upset because it's not just about me anymore. And who would I be if I let myself wallow in thought that honestly won't change anything or make time go any faster? I will not sit back and let life pass me by as I wish for something that will not come any sooner. So I will kick my own ass thank you very much and get out of the house and go to lunch, and the mall, and go to California (yes with a 3 month old in a car seat) because it's not getting any better standing around waiting. It is what it is, and I'll be damned if I watch it pass me by while I sit around in grief.

No, it's not been this easy task of waking up in the morning and getting dressed and finding things to occupy my time but I've learned to let other people help my along the way. Listen to their suggestions about how to raise my son, and what would be beneficial to me and him because what else am I going to do? And ya know what? It worked! Half of the advice I received from family and friends turned out they did know what they were talking about most of the time. So rather than find my own way through this and struggle because I do have a new baby and a life that's been completely turned upside down in the past 5 months, I will evolve and try new things and see what works for us. And most of the time, things have a way of working out. I miss Michael, and I miss the absence of him but it's nice to have someone else perspective in this new chapter in my life that I may have otherwise rejected and tried to find my own way with him here. Not because I don't love my friends and family when Michael is here but because if he HAD been here I may have been more inclined to do things as "our" family and not been around others as much as when I'm living with them and not my husband. Like I said, things have a way of working themselves out.

I would not have been here without the huge amount of support from my family though. I don't even know if I could ever have the words to express to them how easy this has been - when I really thought it would be quite a transition. Don't get me wrong, my life has changed dramatically and I don't do the things that I used to do anymore because I don't have a house anymore I'm constantly back and forth between my in laws and parents so who am I to tell them how to run things in their own home? So even when I've seen things that I would do differently I've bit my tongue and respected that it is not my home and not my way of doing things. But more often than not, the changes have not been so bad. And in regards to the boy, kind of nice.

I still can't wait to see him though and go to sleep ever night crossing another day off m calendar as another day down and one more morning closer to being back together. I don't even care what we do, where we go, or whose around. I just want to spend time together again. And I'm thankful for this time to let the boy grow closer with his grandparents on both sides and start a long relationship with them other than just a Christmas and birthday card twice a year. That's all I really had with my grandparents and I want more for Karson and I believe this time we've had with them, this time he's had with them has been irreplaceable and very valuable as far as him starting his own real relationship with them. But BOOM! Am I ready to see that hubby of mine?! Gaawwwdddd!!! It's gonna be BOMB DIGGITY (insert family inside joke here haha).

In 12 days and a wake up!

Beginning of the end

It's official. This week marks the beginning of the LAST week Michael will work for Mercedes. Friday is his LAST day, his very last day to walk into that place. Not only that place, but any dealership for awhile to come. To say he's excited is an understatement. I don't think I've seen the boy in this good of a mood since he started working there almost 4 years ago with all his ambition.

I thought I had a picture to show his graduation from Mercedes to show where he was wen we started this journey, and all the promise he had in front of him. And I don't, not on this computer. Better anyway, because that was such a long time ago and so many opinions and hopes have changed since then. He's ready to move on, I think we both are ready to be done and start the next thing. I feel like this whole experience is such a process, a process of giving up all the older dreams and coming to the realization they will never come true and trade them for a new set that are so far different from the original ones they seemed foreign at first.

Foreign because they have such a different destination from our original dreams. But I guess that's life for ya, you get older things change and the places you thought you wanted to end up change, because you change, you grow and mature as well as your relationship and circumstances. I wanted THIS house, this life, in this state. And I've realized those things are never going to happen. This house will never happen, I had it for a little while...and it was wonderful when I had it and when I thought this was what I wanted it was perfect but as our ambitions grew this house became too small to hold them and I realized this place was a hindrance and was only going to old us back because of our finical obligations. And it was a hard conclusion to come too, because I put my heart and sole into this house. This was everything I wanted for SO long, and in the beginning it almost defined Michael and I. This was the first this we REALLY worked for, I mean work HARD for. Saved so much money, put so much time and effort into, and I was so proud of. I was proud of what it looked like, and what it meant. And I still am. I'm proud that we were here, we did have this.

And now we will move on... Onto uncharted waters and uncertain territory of the Air Force. Will we like this new adventure? Will we want to stay in and make this a career? I can't say. What I can say is it'll be our stepping stone for the next few years, it will eventually get us to a place where we want to be. Michael WILL have his degree, we won't have ton of debt to get it, I will have the option of being available to my kids 24/7 if I so wish, and my masters may be in the works soon too. There will be more sacrifices along the way, more heartache as I'm sure (especially when Mike gets the call that he's being deployed for awhile because it will happen at some point) but the hope is at the end of all this we'll be in a better place. We'll be able to come home again if we chose and have a better life to come back too.

So here goes the beginning of the end of this time, this place, and this dream... And onto newer dreams.

Debbie downer.

Wow, after last night I need a break. Karson did not have good night, it was a hard one and I'm not sure why. He went to sleep sorta early but I didn't mess with him because we went to lunch yesterday with the hubby and when we got back at like 2ish he was awful, so fussy for like 3 hours until he finally went to sleep around 5. The rest of the night until around 11ish he slept off and on and again probably had something to do with me and that I didn't really mess with him much or try to keep him awake I just wanted to be done. So at 11ish he woke up and was hungry and I fed him and he pretty much went back to sleep not too much trouble. But then, he woke up at 2:30 again hungry and that's when the fun started.

He was SOOO fussy lord, I fed him he pooped, I changed him and he would not go back to sleep. He was like WIDE awake and every time I tried to set him down he would cry. Finally at 3:45 I woke up Mike to have him help me try to get him to go back to sleep, Mike walked with him till 4 and he was "asleep" then put him back down and Karson woke up immediately and cried again so Mike got back up with him, at this point I got up and warmed a bottle thinking maybe he was still hungry and my boobs were running on low. I fed him again probably around 4:30 he ate about 2 oz. then seemed like he was finally getting sleepy and calming down. So I put him back in his bed and went to the bathroom etc. I walked past him on my way back to bed and he was arching his back like he was trying to spit up, then he threw up and I mean like hard. Like projectile spit up, and everything he just ate. He sounded like he was choking on the spit up so I ran and grabbed him and flipped him over where he continued to spit up the remaining milk all over my shirt. I felt so sorry for him, poor baby was crying probably because he was scared and covered is his own vomit.

I brought him into his room, changed his clothes and diaper and walked with him for a little while. He started to get fussy again, probably because he just through up everything he had just eaten and was now hungry again. So again I started to warm up a SMALL bottle for him, and while it was warming he finally feel asleep. I let him sleep. He finally went back down at 5:30. I crawled back into bed and cried. I was so tired, frustrated that I had been up for 3 hours in the middle of the night and irritated that Mike had verchually slept through about 3/4ths of the events. I realize he had to work this morning but when you do this all week by yourself for the same reasons by the 6th night of doing it solo it starts to bug ya.

I don't want to be irritated with Mike, I really don't I totally understand he has to get up and work early in the morning so midnight and on till he gets up he really doesn't like to be bothered. And I do try to respect that, man it just gets wearing. I feel like Karson is fussy a good 3/4ths of the time he's awake. So during the day I'm either feeding him cause when he has a boob is his mouth he's quiet, or trying to get him to fall asleep because again when he's sleeping he's quiet. I wish he could be awake and happy but like I said 85% of the time when he's awake he's fussy he can't just sit and hang out and play with you, you're constantly moving him, bouncing him, walking with him, trying to feed him.

Which is why I'm beginning to get frustrated with breast feeding. I don't know how much he's eating, he never stops and pulls off on his own so I always have to try and guage myself when I think he's had enough and pull him off. Cause the boy would nurse for a hour if you let him. Half the time he falls asleep on one boob and dare I wake him up to try and nurse on the other cause he may cry again or spit up because he ate too much. So I end up pumping the other. Nursing is one of the hardest things I've done in my life I swear. For those above reasons and then you just feel so tied down and helpless. No one else can help fed him, you never know why he's fussy and crying I'm constantly thinking, "did he eat enough? Maybe he's still hungry, when was the last time I nursed? What if he didn't get enough, should I try again?" on and on. If Michael and I try to go anywhere my boobs hurt after 3 hours or so. It's tough. I want to keep doing it because I know it's what is best, but it is one of the hardest things I've done. If I had a happy baby who wasn't fussy like Karson is maybe it would be a little easier because I wouldn't always feel stressed about why he's crying. It always goes back to him eating, not enough, not often enough, too much. I have no way of measuring. Noway of knowing for sure what the deal is. And I feel horrible when I think about stopping because I want to give him the best, and who stops when they can. Most women who stop do it because they're having a complication that they can't help, the baby won't, she can't produce enough, she has to go back to work, the baby is allergic etc. I don't have any of those issues only I'm dealing with a crying baby for half of my day and ready to break down everyday when Mike comes home.

I keep thinking it'll get easier he'll get the hang of things and he does he can latch on we don't fight over that anymore. When he's finished eating he's happy for at least 30 minutes, but then it's the other 75% of the time he's crying and I have to see his face turn bright red, and get tears in his eyes and I don't know why or what I can do to fix it, so I'm looking for ways to try to get him to sleep.

I don't mean to be a downer I really don't but lord today is a day I feel like I'm drowning because of last night and could really use some helpful tips, or just a place to vent.

A new routine

Gosh, I kick my self in the butt for this taking so dang long. See, this is what I do to myself I start this wonderful thing (writing again) because it makes me happy and it's cool to have other people read it and follow along with me but then life happens and I get busy and instead of taking 10 mins to write when I should have I let it slip by and now there's just a billion things I wanna write about.

First things first, Karson was born! Sept. 6th at 1:35 in the morning. Those of you who don't have a calendar or remember what day the 6th was....it was a TUESDAY. Yea, we got checked into the hospital on Sunday. Talk about a LONG labor. To give you the short story, they (my dr.) wanted me to go into the hospital on Sunday to have my blood pressure checked because when I was in his office the Friday before it was a little high and they didn't want to wait till over the weekend to have it checked again. So we went in on Sunday just to check me out, didn't think I'd be staying so I didn't bring my bag I had packed or anything. They checked me and decided my blood work didn't look to hot, so they wanted me to stay to get induced. I didn't want to stay, but they "strongly recommended it" so I stayed. I was just turning 38 weeks the next day (Monday) and I didn't think my body was ready; I was right.

They started me on those gel packs to soften my cervix because I was not dilated. Those take 3 hours a piece, I went through 3 of them and still nothing so after 9 hours of gel packs, they decided to give me a stronger gel. This one lasts for 12 hours. So Monday afternoon at noon (after 21 hours of gel) they check me again and yep now I'm 1 cm. dilated and and finally the cervix is soft. So now we can start the pitocoine to try and get me more dilated. They get my pitocine up to 24 and I'm basically having contraction on top of contraction for till about midnight on Monday (yes I had an epidural in between there too so it wasn't too bad) they come back in at midnight to check me and again I'm still 1 cm. dilated. No progress, none. They offer to break my water and let me contract over night to see if by morning something will have happened. I asked them what the likelihood of anything significant happening would be, and they said not much because by this point it had taken this long and I was progressing EXTREMELY slowly. So I asked about a c-section, they said it would probably be best. Honestly, I was so tired by this point I just wanted to be done. I didn't want to wait anymore, I wanted it over and I wanted to hold my little boy by that point. So they got dressed and rolled me down there and by 1:35 Tuesday morning I had myself my handsome little man.

And this was this was the result...

Perfect. Absolutely perfect. My little angel came out beautiful and healthy and right on time too. With a little intervention of course. And although I was a little beyond sore and had a hard time moving around a whole lot we sure had a lot of visitors who came acallin' to meet the little man. In which case he happily obliged.

We stayed in the hospital till Friday, 3 more long days and then they finally let us come home. And it's been A LOT easier since. We've gotten into somewhat of a routine with our little man, and although Michael went back to work after about a week and a half of being home we both enjoy our time with him. Everyday I feel like I learn more about him and from him, what he likes what works better and everyday I feel like our life at home becomes a little more normal and routine. And I love routines :)

Big changes!

It's incredible how quickly things can change in literally a week. A week! A freaking week! I went to see the Dr. last week and we were right along schedule truckin' as usual to the due date that was approaching but I still had a little time to mentally prepare for. I go in there today and BAM! Just like that I'm told my blood pressure is high and we may need to induce as early as (get ready) TOMORROW. Yea I said it, tomorrow for god's sake. What the heck? Here I am with a house that has not been cleaned the way I want it, the yard a freaking mess, and the swing and pack n play still in BOXES. Lord almighty! Long story short, they took my blood and said they'd call tomorrow with the results and what our plan will be. I ran home, called Mike we ate dinner (thanks to my amazing mother in-law who took care of everything) and relaxed for about 20 mins until my in-laws left and have been working ever since! I am happy to report now that the swing and pack and play are now set up and in there rightful locations in the house. Michael is taking tomorrow off work to clean up around here and get all the other last minute details I'm freaking out about taken care of.

Bad news: When the Dr. checked me today he said I wasn't dilated, I mean like barley anything at all. Which in turn means that if I do need to go in tomorrow or Saturday there is a real chance that even with the drugs they give me and the gel I won't be able to dilate enough to have the baby vaginally like I wanted. This again makes me freak out. I've kinda prepared i.e. thought about this during my pregnancy. The facts in no particular order are as follows: 1) I'm a smaller girl, with a smaller frame, Michael is well... large, he has a big head. So just logically it may not work, I may just be too small. 2) My mom had a C-section with me for the same reason-she just never dilated enough to push me out. 3) One of my best friends is having a wedding literally like a month after our due date, that I'M IN! As if recovering from a regular birth isn't bad enough let's tack on a C-section and an impending date I need to be healed and looking okay for in to order be ready by so soon afterwords. 4) I want to breastfeed! I have always wanted that bond people talk about and being able to provide for him in that special way. What if I'm so sore from a dang C-section or whatever I end up having complications and can't. I would be really upset (like really upset).

Goodness sake, I could really drive myself crazy thinking about all of these hypothetical what-if scenarios. I logically I know there is nothing I can do at this point to change any of it, it's in God's hands now. Whatever is planned for us will happen and I just need to do my best to rely on him and his capable hands. But then that only quiets the mind for a few minutes and then I start to worry again... Seriously. I need to take my own advise here. Tomorrows plan: wake up with Michael early in the morning and finish everything, call the Dr. or wait for him to call me (whichever comes first) and move forward.

On the brink...about to fall.

So I had my weekly Dr. apt Wednesday, he wasn't there I saw the PA. Things went well, same ol, same ol. they checked my hands and feet, my blood pressure, and took my blood to make sure my liver is doing well. Everything goes as normal, that's good. I wanted to talk to him about being induced though, goodness I am ready. It has been SO freaking hot these past few weeks and my feet and hands are huge! I mean literally, elephant feet i'm dealing with over here. It's hard to sleep at night, I have to pee every 5 mins and it hurts to move to go pee.

My mom went to see him yesterday (yes we have the same Dr. and no it's not because she's preggo too, that would just be weird). She goes to get some shot from him once and awhile, hormone shot or something. Anyway she was talking to him and he was saying he was thinking about inducing sometime after the fifth because I'll be 38 weeks by then. (Michael's b-day is the 9th, so we'll probably shoot for then). Good...I'm ready.

But then I start to think about what ready really means; ready, I'm ready? Ready for what, my life to change FOREVER? How exactly does someone prepare for their life to change forever? I mean until the day I die I will be someones mamma. I can be a little blunt sometimes, and a little "this is how it's gonna be, so get on my train or get outta my way". I know this, I realize this. (I blame my mother mostly) What if I'm too harsh? What if I am seriously too harsh in the things I say, the way I speak, how I discipline, what I expect of him? What if I'm just all around too harsh? Michael is such a push over, he's going to make me look like hell on wheels. I love the boy to death, he most certainly is the one who calms me down and lightens the mood, but next to him I'm going to look like Goliath.

I have a sweeter side though too, and once you're in, you're in baby and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you. Nobody I would back down from to defend you to if you were wronged, nobody. And once you've been wronged by that person, they better watch themselves because I'm always going to be watching them to make sure they treat you the way you deserve from here on out. And I love to see you happy, I would do anything to make it right, or make you feel better. I hope that's what he notices more than Goliath.

I also am nervous about it not being Michael and I anymore. Our relationship is changing and will change, and I know it won't be the same anymore. He is everything to me, my rock and my better half (don't tell him I said that). I'm worried that somehow I'll change in his eyes and not be his anymore. Or vise-versa. I am just scared of loosing him in a way I guess, of loosing us. Well what we are now anyway. I don't want this to sound bad, I feel like I'm saying things that make me look like a bad mom and I'm not even a mom yet. Of course I'm excited for Karson to come. I can't wait to hold him and love on him and have him here with us. I'm just mourning (I guess is the word) the change of Michael and I that I know is coming... I love us.

And I just am on the brink, on the brink of something big. Something really big....life changing.

Moving on up...

I'm dedicated. That's it, I'm newly dedicated to making this something more than stopping by occasionally to look at and reread what I've already posted. I used to write a lot actually when I was younger and then for some reason (life got in the way excuse #1) I stopped. I've since wanted to rekindle my relationship with writing and being able to express myself and hence the world of blogging caught my eye. However, it's something totally different to write in a journal that you keep private and intimate verses openly to the world. But, I'm dedicated.

With that being said, this is now an account of our new journey into parenthood, military life, and moving on up to the new chapters our life has in store for us as a family. So work with me on how often this gets updated (although I do promise at least once a week). And join in our journey well my journey from being a working determined teacher into a young mom and eekkk even a stay at home mom.

Let's catch everyone up to speed shall we. My husband and I (Michael) have decided to jump. Join the Air Force. Believe me, it was not an easy choice. I went back and forth on the decision for seriously months. However, it was finally decided this would give us both new opportunities not only individually but also together. This decision grants us the opportunity to see new places and experience new things with our new little family. It gives Michael the opportunity to have a career, not just another job but a career. Something he works hard at and puts all his energy in while he's there, and then at the end of the day when he walks away he feel good about his days work; accomplished. It gives me the opportunity to raise our very first baby boy, to not have to walk away from him and let someone else experience his firsts as I try desperately to hang onto those I actually get to see and be apart of first hand. I get the opportunity to build my family the way I see fit, and take every little bump in the road and turn it into MY bump and my opportunity to stand a little taller on that bump because ya know what, it's MINE and I don't have to share it with my kids at school, the baby sitter, family, or anyone else.

In the mean time, I'm sure there will be some short comings in this situation where it'll be hard and I won't be happy. But I honestly believe this is the right choice for our family and moving in the right direction for us. Case and point, we're going to have to sell the house, move away from family, and Michael is going to be leaving the beginning of November for basic training (8 and 1/2 long weeks in Texas). Those are all things that are going to present challenges but, if this is what we want if this is what'll move us up to the next level, we do it (together). Go big, or go home right? It's all in, we're all in, and I'm dedicated to moving this family on up.

Little late

So it's been a little while since my last post. I sorta forgot about blogging, with school starting and all the stuff that was going on in my day to day life it just slipped my mind. So for an over view, really quick rehash- the school year is over (thanks goodness). I never thought I would meet such a lazy bunch of teachers in my career. People who just honestly are there to collect a pay check and have lost whatever it was that got them interested or passionate about teaching in the first place, if there ever really was something there to begin with. I had two of the most awful girls on my team this year, that were just horrible to work with. Everything was about trying to make themselves look good to admin. and do the least amount of work possible. No matter what I tried they didn't care at all to improve their teaching techniques or habbits because heaven forbid they actually put in a little work at the end of the day. And the most ridicious thing about it all was they had the principal so wrapped about their fingers that he actually supported and defended them if anyone ever said anything. So basically I spent the year getting frustrated and not feeling like I had a voice, even in my own classroom. Not saying all their ideas were useless, I did learn a lot about centers which I didn't really know before. And centers are a great thing to add to your bag of tricks as a teacher. For my own sake in remembering all the thing we did here are a list of the activities we did in centers daily: 1: listening center, abc order of spelling words, decodable reader. 2: vocabulary 4 corners, spelling words x3, spelling memory. 3: Graphic organizer from the story, create spelling word search, spelling go fish. 4: spelling cut and paste phonogram, vocab. memory, spelling tic tac toe. I also had centers for intervention which included: poetry, writing center, create a sentence, abc order, and working with me where I would do the decodable reader for the story of the week, and also work on other phonics or reading skill worksheets. Or work on the focus skill of the week, ex. main idea/detail, fact opinion, sequence, authors purpose etc.

Anyway thats enough for today, it's now summer vaca and I wanted to spend some time this morning trying on some new pregnancy clothes I bought yesterday and cleaning up a little around the house before I have my dr. apt today. I'll post again soon now that I remember I started this.