Big changes!

It's incredible how quickly things can change in literally a week. A week! A freaking week! I went to see the Dr. last week and we were right along schedule truckin' as usual to the due date that was approaching but I still had a little time to mentally prepare for. I go in there today and BAM! Just like that I'm told my blood pressure is high and we may need to induce as early as (get ready) TOMORROW. Yea I said it, tomorrow for god's sake. What the heck? Here I am with a house that has not been cleaned the way I want it, the yard a freaking mess, and the swing and pack n play still in BOXES. Lord almighty! Long story short, they took my blood and said they'd call tomorrow with the results and what our plan will be. I ran home, called Mike we ate dinner (thanks to my amazing mother in-law who took care of everything) and relaxed for about 20 mins until my in-laws left and have been working ever since! I am happy to report now that the swing and pack and play are now set up and in there rightful locations in the house. Michael is taking tomorrow off work to clean up around here and get all the other last minute details I'm freaking out about taken care of.

Bad news: When the Dr. checked me today he said I wasn't dilated, I mean like barley anything at all. Which in turn means that if I do need to go in tomorrow or Saturday there is a real chance that even with the drugs they give me and the gel I won't be able to dilate enough to have the baby vaginally like I wanted. This again makes me freak out. I've kinda prepared i.e. thought about this during my pregnancy. The facts in no particular order are as follows: 1) I'm a smaller girl, with a smaller frame, Michael is well... large, he has a big head. So just logically it may not work, I may just be too small. 2) My mom had a C-section with me for the same reason-she just never dilated enough to push me out. 3) One of my best friends is having a wedding literally like a month after our due date, that I'M IN! As if recovering from a regular birth isn't bad enough let's tack on a C-section and an impending date I need to be healed and looking okay for in to order be ready by so soon afterwords. 4) I want to breastfeed! I have always wanted that bond people talk about and being able to provide for him in that special way. What if I'm so sore from a dang C-section or whatever I end up having complications and can't. I would be really upset (like really upset).

Goodness sake, I could really drive myself crazy thinking about all of these hypothetical what-if scenarios. I logically I know there is nothing I can do at this point to change any of it, it's in God's hands now. Whatever is planned for us will happen and I just need to do my best to rely on him and his capable hands. But then that only quiets the mind for a few minutes and then I start to worry again... Seriously. I need to take my own advise here. Tomorrows plan: wake up with Michael early in the morning and finish everything, call the Dr. or wait for him to call me (whichever comes first) and move forward.

On the brink...about to fall.

So I had my weekly Dr. apt Wednesday, he wasn't there I saw the PA. Things went well, same ol, same ol. they checked my hands and feet, my blood pressure, and took my blood to make sure my liver is doing well. Everything goes as normal, that's good. I wanted to talk to him about being induced though, goodness I am ready. It has been SO freaking hot these past few weeks and my feet and hands are huge! I mean literally, elephant feet i'm dealing with over here. It's hard to sleep at night, I have to pee every 5 mins and it hurts to move to go pee.

My mom went to see him yesterday (yes we have the same Dr. and no it's not because she's preggo too, that would just be weird). She goes to get some shot from him once and awhile, hormone shot or something. Anyway she was talking to him and he was saying he was thinking about inducing sometime after the fifth because I'll be 38 weeks by then. (Michael's b-day is the 9th, so we'll probably shoot for then). Good...I'm ready.

But then I start to think about what ready really means; ready, I'm ready? Ready for what, my life to change FOREVER? How exactly does someone prepare for their life to change forever? I mean until the day I die I will be someones mamma. I can be a little blunt sometimes, and a little "this is how it's gonna be, so get on my train or get outta my way". I know this, I realize this. (I blame my mother mostly) What if I'm too harsh? What if I am seriously too harsh in the things I say, the way I speak, how I discipline, what I expect of him? What if I'm just all around too harsh? Michael is such a push over, he's going to make me look like hell on wheels. I love the boy to death, he most certainly is the one who calms me down and lightens the mood, but next to him I'm going to look like Goliath.

I have a sweeter side though too, and once you're in, you're in baby and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you. Nobody I would back down from to defend you to if you were wronged, nobody. And once you've been wronged by that person, they better watch themselves because I'm always going to be watching them to make sure they treat you the way you deserve from here on out. And I love to see you happy, I would do anything to make it right, or make you feel better. I hope that's what he notices more than Goliath.

I also am nervous about it not being Michael and I anymore. Our relationship is changing and will change, and I know it won't be the same anymore. He is everything to me, my rock and my better half (don't tell him I said that). I'm worried that somehow I'll change in his eyes and not be his anymore. Or vise-versa. I am just scared of loosing him in a way I guess, of loosing us. Well what we are now anyway. I don't want this to sound bad, I feel like I'm saying things that make me look like a bad mom and I'm not even a mom yet. Of course I'm excited for Karson to come. I can't wait to hold him and love on him and have him here with us. I'm just mourning (I guess is the word) the change of Michael and I that I know is coming... I love us.

And I just am on the brink, on the brink of something big. Something really big....life changing.