Beginning of the end

It's official. This week marks the beginning of the LAST week Michael will work for Mercedes. Friday is his LAST day, his very last day to walk into that place. Not only that place, but any dealership for awhile to come. To say he's excited is an understatement. I don't think I've seen the boy in this good of a mood since he started working there almost 4 years ago with all his ambition.

I thought I had a picture to show his graduation from Mercedes to show where he was wen we started this journey, and all the promise he had in front of him. And I don't, not on this computer. Better anyway, because that was such a long time ago and so many opinions and hopes have changed since then. He's ready to move on, I think we both are ready to be done and start the next thing. I feel like this whole experience is such a process, a process of giving up all the older dreams and coming to the realization they will never come true and trade them for a new set that are so far different from the original ones they seemed foreign at first.

Foreign because they have such a different destination from our original dreams. But I guess that's life for ya, you get older things change and the places you thought you wanted to end up change, because you change, you grow and mature as well as your relationship and circumstances. I wanted THIS house, this life, in this state. And I've realized those things are never going to happen. This house will never happen, I had it for a little while...and it was wonderful when I had it and when I thought this was what I wanted it was perfect but as our ambitions grew this house became too small to hold them and I realized this place was a hindrance and was only going to old us back because of our finical obligations. And it was a hard conclusion to come too, because I put my heart and sole into this house. This was everything I wanted for SO long, and in the beginning it almost defined Michael and I. This was the first this we REALLY worked for, I mean work HARD for. Saved so much money, put so much time and effort into, and I was so proud of. I was proud of what it looked like, and what it meant. And I still am. I'm proud that we were here, we did have this.

And now we will move on... Onto uncharted waters and uncertain territory of the Air Force. Will we like this new adventure? Will we want to stay in and make this a career? I can't say. What I can say is it'll be our stepping stone for the next few years, it will eventually get us to a place where we want to be. Michael WILL have his degree, we won't have ton of debt to get it, I will have the option of being available to my kids 24/7 if I so wish, and my masters may be in the works soon too. There will be more sacrifices along the way, more heartache as I'm sure (especially when Mike gets the call that he's being deployed for awhile because it will happen at some point) but the hope is at the end of all this we'll be in a better place. We'll be able to come home again if we chose and have a better life to come back too.

So here goes the beginning of the end of this time, this place, and this dream... And onto newer dreams.

Debbie downer.

Wow, after last night I need a break. Karson did not have good night, it was a hard one and I'm not sure why. He went to sleep sorta early but I didn't mess with him because we went to lunch yesterday with the hubby and when we got back at like 2ish he was awful, so fussy for like 3 hours until he finally went to sleep around 5. The rest of the night until around 11ish he slept off and on and again probably had something to do with me and that I didn't really mess with him much or try to keep him awake I just wanted to be done. So at 11ish he woke up and was hungry and I fed him and he pretty much went back to sleep not too much trouble. But then, he woke up at 2:30 again hungry and that's when the fun started.

He was SOOO fussy lord, I fed him he pooped, I changed him and he would not go back to sleep. He was like WIDE awake and every time I tried to set him down he would cry. Finally at 3:45 I woke up Mike to have him help me try to get him to go back to sleep, Mike walked with him till 4 and he was "asleep" then put him back down and Karson woke up immediately and cried again so Mike got back up with him, at this point I got up and warmed a bottle thinking maybe he was still hungry and my boobs were running on low. I fed him again probably around 4:30 he ate about 2 oz. then seemed like he was finally getting sleepy and calming down. So I put him back in his bed and went to the bathroom etc. I walked past him on my way back to bed and he was arching his back like he was trying to spit up, then he threw up and I mean like hard. Like projectile spit up, and everything he just ate. He sounded like he was choking on the spit up so I ran and grabbed him and flipped him over where he continued to spit up the remaining milk all over my shirt. I felt so sorry for him, poor baby was crying probably because he was scared and covered is his own vomit.

I brought him into his room, changed his clothes and diaper and walked with him for a little while. He started to get fussy again, probably because he just through up everything he had just eaten and was now hungry again. So again I started to warm up a SMALL bottle for him, and while it was warming he finally feel asleep. I let him sleep. He finally went back down at 5:30. I crawled back into bed and cried. I was so tired, frustrated that I had been up for 3 hours in the middle of the night and irritated that Mike had verchually slept through about 3/4ths of the events. I realize he had to work this morning but when you do this all week by yourself for the same reasons by the 6th night of doing it solo it starts to bug ya.

I don't want to be irritated with Mike, I really don't I totally understand he has to get up and work early in the morning so midnight and on till he gets up he really doesn't like to be bothered. And I do try to respect that, man it just gets wearing. I feel like Karson is fussy a good 3/4ths of the time he's awake. So during the day I'm either feeding him cause when he has a boob is his mouth he's quiet, or trying to get him to fall asleep because again when he's sleeping he's quiet. I wish he could be awake and happy but like I said 85% of the time when he's awake he's fussy he can't just sit and hang out and play with you, you're constantly moving him, bouncing him, walking with him, trying to feed him.

Which is why I'm beginning to get frustrated with breast feeding. I don't know how much he's eating, he never stops and pulls off on his own so I always have to try and guage myself when I think he's had enough and pull him off. Cause the boy would nurse for a hour if you let him. Half the time he falls asleep on one boob and dare I wake him up to try and nurse on the other cause he may cry again or spit up because he ate too much. So I end up pumping the other. Nursing is one of the hardest things I've done in my life I swear. For those above reasons and then you just feel so tied down and helpless. No one else can help fed him, you never know why he's fussy and crying I'm constantly thinking, "did he eat enough? Maybe he's still hungry, when was the last time I nursed? What if he didn't get enough, should I try again?" on and on. If Michael and I try to go anywhere my boobs hurt after 3 hours or so. It's tough. I want to keep doing it because I know it's what is best, but it is one of the hardest things I've done. If I had a happy baby who wasn't fussy like Karson is maybe it would be a little easier because I wouldn't always feel stressed about why he's crying. It always goes back to him eating, not enough, not often enough, too much. I have no way of measuring. Noway of knowing for sure what the deal is. And I feel horrible when I think about stopping because I want to give him the best, and who stops when they can. Most women who stop do it because they're having a complication that they can't help, the baby won't, she can't produce enough, she has to go back to work, the baby is allergic etc. I don't have any of those issues only I'm dealing with a crying baby for half of my day and ready to break down everyday when Mike comes home.

I keep thinking it'll get easier he'll get the hang of things and he does he can latch on we don't fight over that anymore. When he's finished eating he's happy for at least 30 minutes, but then it's the other 75% of the time he's crying and I have to see his face turn bright red, and get tears in his eyes and I don't know why or what I can do to fix it, so I'm looking for ways to try to get him to sleep.

I don't mean to be a downer I really don't but lord today is a day I feel like I'm drowning because of last night and could really use some helpful tips, or just a place to vent.