Talking, talking, and more talking is all Mike and I have been doing recently about the Air Force. Even since Talmage and Tana came back from being gone with his boot camp, and Tech school this has been the topic of conversation. We've even gone as far as to meet with a recruiter last week to do more TALKING on the subject. There are always two sides to every coin though. And talk is cheap, it costs nothing to do and nothing really happens while you're talking about it. "You have to just jump in", or so I've heard. Why is this such a hard decision you ask? Well, aside from having this be a TOTALLY different life style than what I'm accustomed to there are complications.
#1) We own a house! A very beautiful and expensive house in my opinion. We bought this house about a year and a half ago and at the time, we never had a talk about the AF or any branch of service for that matter. I went into this thinking, "this will be the place we start a family". And I still have a hard time letting go of that dream. I love this house, I love everything about this house. I choose it, I designed it, I painted it, and I've decorated it and I've never been so proud of something that I have done and I feel represents me so well. In addition this is OUR house, we own it, WE pay for it, WE decide everything about it-no one tells me how it needs to be kept, or what my limitations are with it, I decide. On top of that I'm not ready to leave it, again as I said before when I bought this house I bought it with the expectations of starting my family here. I've pictured myself numerous times going through all the motions of painting the room-which I knew the minute I walked in here which room would be baby's. I've envisioned myself being in that room, or coming home to this house with the new baby; I've actually pictured what my life would look like living here with the start of my family and I'm in love with those ideas. I've been in love with those ideas from the first time I stepped foot in this house.
Despite how emotionally attached I am to this house, let's take a minute and look at the situation logically too. We paid a lot of money for this house, granted there are nice things in this house. Upgraded lot size, large ceramic tile through out, up graded carpets, dark cherry cabinets throughout, stainless steel appliances, upgraded Corrianne counter tops etc. etc. etc. We still paid a nice chunk of change for this house. Now we were lucky enough to take advantage of the market when we did and we paid A LOT less than some neighbors around the corner from us. But again with the current state of the market I'm positive the house would appraise for less than what we owe. So the idea of selling at this point is pretty much not going to happen, unless we decided to short sale the property but I would like to keep my good credit in tact. So, the only other option than would be to rent. (Again this is supposed to be the logical part-not the emotional part but let me just tell you that I don't know which is worse to think about-selling this house before I got to do any of the things I have dreamed of doing here and never will be able to do, or watching someone else get to play 'house' in MY house and do all the little things I've wanted for myself here.) Back to the point, we would have to rent-I don't know anything about renting, or being a landlord or anything. Plus, we won't be here - god knows where we'll end up after joining - literally. So again logically I could pay my parents to sort of "look after" the place while we're gone I guess. I don't want to come back to my beautiful house one day that's been trashed so I'd ONLY rent to military people who I know if some how they screwed me over with anything they'd be held accountable. Also, as I've said before this house is beautiful but beauty comes with a price tag and it is not cheap. So let's say we can't find anyone to rent the house. The rent is "too high" or whatever the case maybe, it is possible. If that were to happen Mike and I make decent money together right now while I'm working, but if we did join the AF I would not be working I'd most likely being a stay at home mommy for awhile. So again let's pretend no one will rent it-I'm left with making two house payments. Which we cannot do, especially without two incomes. So we'd have to let it go...which in my opinion would be a total LAST resort. And just imagine going through all this while you're 2,000+ miles away. Doesn't sound like a fun position to be at all, thanks.
#2) I have a career here. Not a job, a career I've gone to school for four long years to to able to do the job I'm privileged to do, and let me just say for the record-I love my job. There are things that sometimes get under my skin about the environment, or all the laws, politics, and rules but generally speaking I like what I do. I enjoy what I do, I have fun with what I do, and I get excited thinking about the years to come and how I can improve and become a better, stronger teacher. Leaving would be a blow to this. I know I could probably find a job teaching again some where else again, but believe me when I say it's not so easy to just walk into a school and have a certificate from another state and get a job. First, you have to be certified in whatever state it is you're wanting to teach in, which you guessed it costs money, on top of that in order to be certified you have to take that states tests to get your certification. Now I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't like taking tests not at all actually-especially expensive intense ones with a lot riding on them. Now, there may be more plans or options out there for military spouses about this where they "bend" the rules. But I don't know for sure. And, to really get into the 'teaching role' as I like to call it, you have to be experienced! It is a whole new ball game from third grade to kindergarten or fourth grade or whatever it is your teaching. The grades are NOT the same, and the things you make, buy, or invest in can not transpire across multiple grade levels. So you start teaching in one grade get all your lessons done, and all the standards taught (you think) in your first year in that grade level. All your centers and games made, that go along with that specific curriculum - those stories in the reading series, that writing curriculum the way that school does it, and those math games that go along with again THAT series that that school uses and you're finally done you made it through your first hell year. The next year is SOOO much better, it is amazing how much easier life becomes, and how much more excited you are to be there! You no longer spend your nights laying awake thinking 'did I teach everything the way I was supposed to? Are the kids going to understand well enough to really grasp the concept so they can do it alone when the times comes. Or I have SOO much work to do!' No way! You lie in bed this year and are excited for how you can change what you did last year to make it more fun and engaging this year! You take what you previously learned and apply it to this year and you GROW so much as a teacher, it's so exciting and fulfilling! I can only imagine what it would be like to be in ONE specific grade level for 4-5 years or until I felt like, "okay I've done all I can do here, now I'm ready to move on and try something new." Being a spouse in the military I doubt I would ever come to that point in my career. I would always be in the first one or two stages of struggling - working my butt off, and really excited to ever really feel comfortable enough to want to more grade levels or schools. I would never have a say in where or when we move, and MY carrier would always be a the mercy of the Air Force.
#3) Family. I know, I know! Those of you who know me well are thinking, "what in the heck is she talking about, half the time her mother drives her crazy!" -And you're right, you're totally right! She does drive me absolutely nuts sometimes! But ya know what- I can't imagine my life without her. Shes crazy, and my dad has an absurd temper but this is the hand I've been delt and I love them regardless. Growing up my mom was a little crazy and my dad did have his temper but they're all I had. I never had the blessing of a large family to play with, gossip about, or fight with. It was always just the 3 of us, always. I never experienced big Christmas dinners, or cousins I went to school with or even lived in the same town as I did! Shit, all my family I spoke to probably a handful of times growing up. I know the drama that comes along with having such a big family I get it! Mikes family sometimes again drive me nuts! The "rules" and positions everyone plays is sometimes a load of BS in my opinion, but ya know what?! They're MINE! All of them! All of the drama, all of the BS, all of the "roles" people think there are-they're still mine-and I don't want to leave them! I don't want my kids growing up stuck in a town where they can't just go stay the night at grandmas whenever they want, or fight with cousins, or have the option to play sports or games with family members together. I don't want to only see everyone on holidays and birthdays! I want my children to have the relationships with their grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles that I NEVER had! I want to be able to just drop my children over at there grandparents house for a night while Michael and I go out and enjoy 'date night' once and awhile! I want to take my kids swimming in my parents pool in the summers, and go shopping with Mikes mom whenever on a whim just because we can! When and how will I ever be able to do those things, or my kids have those special relationships when we're 2,000+ miles away from everyone? We won't. They won't. Sugar coat it which ever way you want, they won't have that relationship-that very relationship I've always wanted so badly for myself and was never able to have-my children won't either.
Now, remember as I said in the beginning there are two sides to every coin-there are advantages to being in the military too and I haven't forgotten them.
#1) Michael will be happy. He is miserable in his job now, it is not what he had expected or hoped for and he is miserable. I hate seeing him so unhappy. I hate watching him come home angry, or tired, or irritated after a long days work. He deserves better. We deserve better. So I'll do what it takes to make light of whatever situation we're in. I'll entertain whatever thought he has about how to improve his situation and I'll support and encourage every effort of his to have a job he enjoys. Because at the end of the day, he will be person working after we have children. He will be the bread winner for our family. And I want him to love his job and be passionate and excited to share what he does during the days while he's away. I want our children to be proud of him, and think to themselves, "wow! one day I want to be just like daddy! And have a job just like his!" I want us to feel that we are doing something bigger than the both of us, involved hole hearted invested in something WE are proud to be apart of. How can anyone feel that way about being a mechanic, in a shop you hate, doing things you dislike, "just to get by, or just to pay the bills?" That's not what I want for him, for us. Not even close.
#2) We'll be able to have a family. Not in the years to come, or when we get bills paid off, or when Michael is done with school...blah blah blah. NOW! We'll be able to make enough money for one person to work and for me to raise my own children, my own way! The greatest job I will ever have is to be a mother, and not just any mother, a fabulous mother that at the end of the day I will be back and be proud of what I've taught and instilled in my children. I will be able to parent intentionally and logically - not emotionally. Meaning I will be able to intentionally parent having reasons and lessons to be taught along the way, rather than just saying 'yes' because I'm sick of the whining after a long days work. Or saying 'no!' because I'm tried and don't have the patience to explain rationally, reasonably why after a long days work. I will have the opportunity to invest all of me into my life's greatest mission-raising strong, independent, self motivated, and reliable children. Because that is what I ultimately want.
#3) Money will not be an issue. Health insurance will not be an issue. My children will always be able to do they things they want, sports, plays, summer camps, music lessons, schools. etc etc etc. The military will give us the opportunity to provide for my children in way my parents never could. Within reason, I will be able to provide for them in ways they deserve to be provided for. Someone won't have to 'go without' what the others had, everyone will have the same opportunities as the first. The words stable and consistent come to mind.
#4) We will be able to travel and see the world. So to speak, not only Michael and I, but our children will be well cultured and see more of the world than whats just around the corner. We will have new experiences and share new lessons together as we see more than just Arizona. And a plus is you won't become stagnant being in the same place forever. You will grow and meet new people and learn new perspectives and find what really makes YOU.
But again talk is cheap and decisions need to be made. Not today, but soon.
